How You Should Spend Your Weekend

Mmmmm...Phillip and Vincent. Choices, choices...

Dudes, Red is tired. It's been a long week. I have some friends in town and they insist on doing things like "going out for dinner, drinks and poetry slams" and "socializing." Gah! My Wii Active trainer Tami is gonna so pissed at me!

Anyway, here's some shizz going down this weekend you should probably check out:

Friday Night: Dollhouse - Only 2 episodes left! Does anyone else watch this show? Anyone?

Saturday/Sunday: Football - This is who we're all rooting for, okay? Saints, Ravens, Vikings and Chargers. THIS CANNOT BE DISPUTED!!!

Sunday Night: Golden Globes - This year should be pretty great with Ricky Gervais as host. He is truly hilarious. I was going to do a predictions post, but I have no idea who will win anything...other than Christoph Waltz, who is favored to win Best Supporting Actor, something I called on Aug. 21. I am amazing. I'm also pulling for Jeff Bridges to win Best Actor for Crazy Heart because The Dude really gives a terrific performance and Michael C. Hall for his always stellar turn on Dexter.

Monday: Do Nothing - The first holiday since the holidays is gonna effing rule as I spend it on my couch, watching TV and Netflix with my new cats. Does like get sweeter, friends? I think not.

What awesome things are you getting up to this weekend?

The List: Vol. 5

I know things have been rather pathetic around these parts lately. I can't guarantee they'll improve, but you should totally keep visiting anyway (I am a terrible salesperson). Here, though, are 5 things I'm digging at the moment:

Movie: An Education - While perhaps not as great as some critics would have you believe, this Nick Hornby penned film is a nice evening at the (movie) theater. Carey Mulligan IS as good as the critics say, but Peter Sarsgaard's accent is atrocious (I really don't understand why they didn't cast an actual Brit). Also, it's set in the 60's which is so hot right now. See it now if you are one of those people who like to see all the Oscar nominated films (buzz has it Mulligan will be nominated) or wait for DVD if you have an actual life.

TV: Parks and Recreation - The Amy Poehler vehicle kicked it up a notch this season and people are finally on board. I'd just like to point out I liked this show last season...when everyone else said it wasn't funny. I'm a trendsetter people. Ya better recognize!

Book: Armageddon in Retrospect by Kurt Vonnegut - A posthumously published collection of his stories of WWII. Funny, touching, scary...classic Vonnegut.

Music: It's Not Me, It's You by Lily Allen - I didn't much care for Lily's first breakthrough album, but this follow up is awesome. Still listening to it like crazy, what? Nearly a year after it's release? Good stuff.

Sports: San Diego Chargers - Not that I'm biased or anything, but we do have the best team song ever.

I Win!

The lovely BeckEye over at The Pop Eye has monthly caption contests which I always avoid participating in because I kind of suck at making up hilarious captions to funny photos of celebutards. But this month is different, friends. I was inspired by Paris Hilton and a camel and came up with the funniest caption you've ever read!!! And I won the contest!!! My reward? I get to be "Firecrotch of the Month" which is fitting because, well, I'm sure you can figure out why.

Anyway, here's the lovely badge I will display with pride for the entire month.

Maybe this is just the start of greatness. Maybe I am on my way to being named Firecrotch of the Year!!! (yes, I realize I am obsessed with 3 exclamation points. I think it's funny for some inexplicable reason). I promise to not be so arrogant and self promoting next week. Maybe. Probably. I really can't make any promises.

The Band is Back: And This Time, it's Serious!

I've mentioned our band before...the one Liz and I formed and call Let's Make Out. Until this weekend, it was mostly just a joke...an idea we talked about, but never really did anything about. Dave would ask "How's Let's Make Out?" and we'd say, "Still theoretical." Well, theorize no more friends! This weekend, we had our first official band practice. Liz hooked up her ax to the amp and I tried to pretended it hasn't been forever since I used my voice for anything other than screaming Kelly Clarkson songs in my car. We plan on tackling an open mic night soon and then, as Liz said, "After our first open mic appearance, we'll immediately be the darlings of the local Coffee House scene. We'll outgrow that by July, and start playing gigs at the Casbah. This will lead to a short but flattering write up in Pitchfork, and by September we'll be signed to the same label as Sufjan Stevens and touring Europe." Totally happening.

I just thought I should give you, our loyal friends and readers, a heads up so you can brag about "knowing" us before we were big. Also, Let's Make Out merch is gonna be huge!!!

Things I Don't Get: Crazy Women and the Men Who Love Them

The New York Observer ran a piece recently about 22 year-old Kari Ferrell, aka the "Hipster Grifter." Essentially, Ferrell has duped men from Salt Lake City to NYC out of thousands of dollars by being sexually aggressive and just effing insane! Her game goes something like this: Meet a Guy. Begin dating. Get Guy to pay for everything and/or cash bad checks for thousands of dollars. Tell Guy she's dying of lung cancer while continuing to smoke pot and say things like, "sometimes the cancer doesn't show up on the scans" when a doctor tells Guy she shows no signs of cancer. Act generally crazy. Threaten to commit suicide when Guy decides to break up with her. Run from Guy and the law when the shit hits the fan.

Really, other than maybe all the fraud, we've heard stories of insanity like this before. The part that really baffles are all the men she was able to con. Sure, Ferrell is relatively attractive and, from all accounts, truly charming, but what the hell?! Crazy broke, lying about cancer and threatening suicide girl can get, not one, but several men, while some really nice and only borderline crazy girls like, um, some friends of mine, can't even find one?!

Seriously, dudes, answer the question. What. The. Hell?

Super Nerd is the Watchword

Okay, you guys. Prepare yourselves to be super jealous. See, I have this friend who worked at Google for a spell and she went into the Google store and bought me this:


I know, I know. I can't believe how cool I am either.

Talents I Discovered During the Christmas Holiday

I am amazing at Wii Bowling - When I say "amazing," I mean "not as terrible as I am at Wii baseball, golf and tennis." Plus, my Mii is totally hot.

I was made for Rock Band - I always suspected I'd love Rock Band, but I had no idea I'd be awesome at it, too. So, maybe I'm only awesome at the singing part (all that karaoke finally pays off with 100% accuracy, suckas), but I can hit 2 drum pads on beat at least 60% of the time. I choose to believe this means I totally missed my calling to be a hot chick drummer, a la Karen Carpenter. I think, ultimately, it's the universe that loses most.

Did you discover any hidden talents this holiday season? Are they, unlike mine, actually helpful on your path to greatness?

Questions Pondered While Watching the Last 20 Minutes of Christmas in Rockefeller Plaza

- When did Harry Connick Jr. get so skinny? Not that he was ever very big, but he was much hotter with good ol' NOLA meat on his bones.

- Is Hanson totally pissed that the Jonas Brothers stole their gig? And speaking of the Jonas Brothers, they sang some song about giving up all other gifts to get a hot chick for x-mas. It included the lyric, "You can take this awesome scarf my grandma made for me," which is now, officially, the greatest lyric in the history of time.

- Why in God's name did I ever think soy egg nog sounded like a good idea? All the Jameson in the universe can't save this crap. Guess I'll just have to drink the Jameson on it's own. Oh, the humanity!

- Do you think it's too late for me to grow up to become Beyonce?

- Why is Britney Spears so crap at speaking on camera when she's been doing it since she was, like, 5?

- How much better would this show be if produced by Jack Donaghy? There would definitely be way more fireworks and, as we all know, everything is better with more fireworks.

- Are we the only country in the world crazy enough to produce a hour long music extravaganza just to light a damn tree?

I think I'm too cynical for Christmas this year. Add that to the list of reasons I should become a Jew.

The Return of The Colicchio

Tonight is the premiere of the 5th season of Top Chef. This year, the aspiring champions will compete in NYC (because, Lord knows, that city doesn't get enough attention. NYC is like an incredibly hot girl in a bar. Sure, she's gorgeous and cultured and her huge rack is all real, but do I really have to hear about her all night long?), where I guess they make some pretty good food sometimes.

As I did last season, I'm gonna pick the winner before watching an episode. This season I'm backing Richard to win it all. My reasoning is threefold: First, he lives and works in San Diego (at the fancy downtown restaurant Confidential, where all the cool kids hang out (i.e. I've never been there)). Two, he's big and tall and kinda dreamy. And thirdly, he bartends on the side at SD's most famous bear bar, Pecs (Note to self: do not Google "gay" and "bear" at work).

So, tune in tonight to see if Richard wins it all or is asked to pack his knives and go. Go, San Diego! Suck it, NYC!