I know, I know, there are sober kids in India. But still ...

I am not an alcoholic. Honestly.

I don’t drink on the job, I can go days without drinking, I don’t hide drinks around the house, and I am capable of having one or two beers and then stopping. (I just usually choose not to).

But lately, I’m thinking of cutting back. The older I get, I find that I’m more susceptible to dehydration and hangovers. I think beer and wine are the reason I spend so damn much on groceries and going out every month. And I have a sneaking suspicion that beer – coupled with my crippling laziness – is the reason I’ve gone up several jean sizes in the last 5 or 6 years.

So I think its time to slow down. But here’s the problem: While I’m not an alcoholic, I do have an embarrassingly low will power. I see other people drinking and having fun, and I instantly want to join in. I can’t even watch The Sopranos without wanting a glass of wine, nevermind go out with my friends and stick to water. The two times I have successfully made it through a night at a bar without drinking, my trivia team won and I couldn’t turn down the free beer we got in the end.

Here, dear readers, is why I’m telling you this: I need some advice. If you’ve ever quit, or substantially cut back, on something that was really difficult and part of your lifestyle (smoking, watching TV, using a telescope to spy on your poorly curtained, frequently naked neighbors) how did you go about that? Is cold turkey best, or should one ween themselves off of their vice? Did your life improve, or do you regret your decision because we’re all going to die anyway and no one says on their deathbed that they wish they spent less time spying on their neighbors?

I need help people. They say it’s the first step.