An Open Letter to the Creator of the Universe

Dear God,

Please let me age as well as Helen Mirren.

Thanks,

Red

P.S. If I could look that hot now, I'd be okay with that, too.

Mi Vida Loca (for Once)

I try not to be all "You'll never believe what happened last night" because for the most part my life is incredibly boring (and I know you couldn't care less), but you'll never believe what happened last night! I was driving the seven blocks from my apartment to the bar to meet Liz and our friend Annie (it's one of those distances where I feel silly driving because it's only 7 blocks, but it's a bit too far (and sketchy) to walk at night, so I drove. It's not like I'm paying $4.79 for gas or anything). On my very short drive, I end up behind a lovely old 70's Cadillac type vehicle with a normal sized TV set mounted some how in the car (from my angle, I couldn't tell if it was mounted on the front dashboard or between the seats, but the point is, it was an actual TV and not, like, those in headrest monitor thingys...which is the technical name for them). On said television, the man is showing hardcore pornography. Liz said, "Are you sure he wasn't just watching Rome or something?" and I said, "Not unless someone reedited Rome to include close up penetration shots." Seriously, who does this? I think he even kinda slowed down to make sure someone followed close enough behind to see what he was showing. Hands down the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

You totally want to visit my neighborhood now, don't you?

I get so Lost

Lost wraps up its fabulous 4th season with a two-hour finale tonight. Preview ads are calling the episode “breathtaking,” “mind-blowing,” “stroke inducing,” “giving up your first born convincing,” “a wake up call to all you sinners that Xenu is the one true god,” and “hott.”

In honor of the finale (and since after seeing it there’s apparently a strong change I’ll quit my job and take to the road in search of eternal answers I’ll never find, and you’ll never hear from me again) I’ve compiled a Top 5 of Lost mysteries that I’d really like answered. If not tonight, at least before I die.

What are "the rules"? Right after (spoiler aler) Ben's daughter was killed by one of Widmore's thugs, a shellshocked Ben says, "He changed the rules." It looks like Ben and Widmore both want control of the island, and have apparently been fighting over it for some time. Its not yet clear whether the castaways are important to the struggle, or just pawns within it. But what are these "rules" that Ben and Widmore have set up? There are rules to a war? Does it even matter? (And yes, if you don't watch Lost, but were attempting to read this post anyway, this is probably where you gave up).

When will Michael Emerson win a major award? Speaking of Ben ... this may not be a mystery of the show, but still an important question. Benjamin Linus is probably the greatest villain in the history of television (in part because we don’t even know if he’s a villain) and it's all due to the force of nature that is Emerson’s portrayal.

What’s the deal with The Numbers? 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42. They show up everywhere on the show, sometimes obviously, sometimes not. They’re directly responsible for bringing at least one person to the island. They add up to 108. What is their deal???


Who are The Others? Once upon a time there was an island, and a hippy dippy group called the Dharma Initiative moved there to sing kumbaya and do science experiments. Then one day, a boy from the Initiative ran into the woods and saw a group of people living out there. About ten years later, the boy helped these “others” kill the entire science group. A few years after that, The Others began messing with a bunch of plane crash victims who washed up on shore. The Others all have mad karate skills, and some of them never age. A few of them, it turns out, were stalking a few of the castaways long before the plane crash. Say it loud and say it proud friends: WHAT. THE. F*&K!!!

What is the Smoke Monster? The question itself really says it all: It’s a monster. Made of smoke. It’s smoke. That eats people. Once again: Say it loud and say it proud: WHAT. TH......

I wish I knew how to quit you.