An Open Letter to Jessica Simpson

Oh my god, ya'll! I wish people would, like, stop objectifying me and stuff!

Dear Jess,

Guess what? John Mayer told the world you are amazing in bed. Guess what else? That's a compliment! You can stop complaining to the media about it and telling the ladies on The View things like, "more men are looking at me and I feel like they're undressing me." I'd bet you your daisy duke shorts that will always happen. You are a hot blond chick with a huge rack. Deal with it!

Is John Mayer tacky? Obviously. Should you rise above and be all like, "Yes, Barbra Walters, I am a firecracker in the sack. Next question!"? Of course you should. You pretty much seem like Jessica Biel, crying for being too pretty. No one feels sorry for you. So, just...stop, k?

Best!

Red

Oh no she didn't!

This is not the droid you're looking for.

Apparently the ceaseless Jessica Simpson is on the market for a new man, which usually isn't something I would even bother yawning over, except that her lastest priorities are very specific: she wants a guy from Boston.

As a Massachusetts native with a big Boston-shaped place in my heart, this news compelled me to issue the following statement to the son's of the Hub:

RUN!!!! AVERT YOUR EYES, KEEP CHANTING THE PHRASE "NICK LACHECY'S CASTOFF" AND JUST F*CKING RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boston is the City of Champions. Date like it.