Rant: Shut the Eff Up!

Yesterday, I saw the new Michael Moore documentary, Capitalism: A Love Story (which I won't really discuss here for political reasons, but I think you should see it). Now, I go to the movies almost weekly, so I have a system of sorts when I walk into the theater. I like to sit about halfway between the screen and the rear of the theater, smack in the middle, with no one beside, in front of or behind me. I hate, hate, hate if someone I don't know sits in the seat next to me and will move if space is available to avoid strangers in my bubble. Sometimes this isn't possible...yesterday was one of those times.

You can never tell who will talk their way through a movie. Oftentimes, the people who yell over the previews are quiet a mice during the actual movie (btw, where did that phrase come from? "Quiet as a mouse"? As someone current dealing with mice in her freaking bedroom walls, I can tell you, they are not quiet. In fact, they can be quite noisy as they try to claw through your walls at 3am every morning to give you the Black Plague!!! Someone get mjenks on this for me (to discover the origins of the phrase...not solve my mice problem...or can he?!)). My point is (yes I have one) the lady next to me yesterday insisted on narrating Michael Moore's already adequately narrated film. The opening scenes of a family being evicted were astutely met with "It's an eviction! It's an eviction!" from my Seat Neighbor. When Moore delved into Reganomics, SN mused "That's when it all began!" like, 5 times. And when talk turned of the recent hardships at a Chicago factory, SN cried, "That's right! They had a sit-in!" before the movie revealed this information. It's kinda like when I saw Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and the nerd next to me in a freaking cape(!) told me Harry was unwrapping an invisibility cloak before the move made it known. How about a "Spoiler Alert" dork?!

When did it become okay to talk in the movies? I know it's still not technically okay, but so many people do it. And even if they don't talk incessantly or forget to turn off and then answer their cell phones (again(!)), they make small comments throughout and drive everyone bananas. Like the old couple behind me (sorry, old people. You really are the worst culprits) when I saw As Good As It Gets, who marveled aloud at Jack Nicholson's OCD ("Wow. He's got a lot of soap!" "And it's so straight and tidy!" Gah!). I have noticed people don't talk during the movie at the art house theater. There's one thing the hipsters have going for them.

Really, though, talking in the movies is just a small part of a much larger problem. The world getting ruder and more self-centered. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. No one cares what you have to say...especially when they've paid $12 to watch a movie you didn't make. STFU!

We are all doomed.

Rant: Someone Get Peggy Olsen on This!

So I'm house sitting this week...which means I don't have my DVR...which means I watch things I normally wouldn't...like Dancing With the Stars. But that's not important right now! What's really troubling are the ads they run during the show (I also don't usually watch commercials anymore, which has made my life perhaps a zillion times better. Yep. Definitely a zillion). These ads are mostly aimed at women and they mostly piss me off! (Look out, Brand New. The femi-nazi hat is comin' out!)

Take the ad for Latisse, featuring Brook Sheilds, a prescription formula which promises to "grow eyelashes, making them longer, thicker and darker." Because, obviously, if you don't have long, thick, dark lashes, you are not beautiful, doncha know? WTF, world? We have to worry about our gd eyelashes now?! This also pisses me off when I think about the current heath care fiasco in this country. Give lots of money to drug companies, they say. It will help find a cure for terrible diseases, they cry. Uh, no. Actually, millions will be spent to research, develop and market a product so women DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT THEIR EYELASHES!!!

Also, when did they start advertising Nutella a) in the US and b) as a health food? Moms, I know it's really tough to get your kids to eat toast(!) in the morning, so just slather it with this chocolate hazelnut spread! Not only will your kids eat that disgusting toast, they'll be well on their way to obese diabetes-ville!

We are all doomed.

Liz and Red on the Obama Speech

Don't worry. This is not really political. It's just the exchange Liz and I had at the start of the Obama Heath Care speech, posted here (a la The G-Chat Diaries) for your enjoyment (because we are so hilarious):

5:05pm PST

Liz: Obama's on the television talking about health care, if you want to watch.
Red: And stop watching Greek?!?! Okaaay
Liz: Nevermind
Red: I'm kidding!
Liz: I know :) I have to watch it for work. You seemed to have some interest in this issue, so I'm just giving you a heads up.
Red: No, I appreciate it. Thanks
Liz: And because you love Barack Obama and want to have 10,000 of his babies
Red: Well who doesn't?
Liz: Good point
Red: Did it not start yet?
Liz: He hasn't started talking. All these congress people are shaking hands and pretending they don't hate each other. These things never start on time. Am I huge nerd for knowing that?
Red: Pretty much.
Okay. I'm watching now. Charlie Gibson, what!
Liz: We have Katie Couric on our TV.
Red: Why is Newsome there?
Liz: He is? I don't know. He probably has lobbyists or party elders to meet with.
Red: He's starting to bug me!!!
Liz: I haven't seen enough of him to bug me yet. I'm sure he will by the time the election comes around :)
Red: Oooh. Michelle looks pretty!
Liz: Not crazy about Michelle's shirt, maybe I have to see the whole thing. Can you give us a pan back, CBS?
Red: I love the color
Liz: The color's nice. I'm not big on pleats and bow ties though
Red: Right. Agreed. She's still so pretty. I think I want to have her babies.
Liz: I do have a total girl crush on her.
Is it just my TV or does Barry look orange?
Red: He does have a lot of makeup on.

5:20ish PST

Red: Good one!!!
Liz: I missed it! We were making Town Hall meeting jokes!
Red: He said "I'm not the first president to take up the cause of health care, but I'm determined to be the last." [Boom. Roasted!]
Liz: nice

5:40ish PST
Red: I bet Michelle's outfit is super cute without that coat.

Fin

This (mostly) Just In...

Alexander Skarsgard and Evan Rachel Wood Dating - Dude, Evan Rachel Wood gets around! Yet another romance born on the set of True Blood. At least they're both vampires...or something. (For the record, this does not make me totally jealous. Really. It doesn't...at all. *sniff*)

A Day Without Cats - Today on the interwebs, 40 sites have decided to refrain from posting pictures and videos of cats being adorable (I Can Has Cheezburger is not among them, obvs). Why? Why would the world want to be so cruel?! I mean, I get a Day Without Megan Fox, but cute pictures of kittehs gets me through the day!!!

Why would anyone want to me deny this kitty?!?!?!?

Glee Returns Tonight - After geeking out before the initial "premiere" and kind of being the slightest bit disappointed, I'm moderately excited for the series to begin for reals. Even if the show itself continues to be on the "Meh+" side, the tracklisting for the show's soundtrack looks ah-mazing!

Three Things I Never Want to Hear About Again - The Gosselin's (DIE), the Obama school speech (not to get too political, but conservatives are retarded), Tila Tequila and Shawne Merriman.

In the Immortal Words of Celine Dion, A New Day Has Come

Well done, people. Well freaking done.

Au revoir, le George: A retrospective

Call me crazy, but I think a small part of us is going to miss George W. Bush.

Not so much the “Bombs for democracy!” aspects of his presidency, nor the “Science is for gay people” current than ran through it all. Not even the “Heckuva job letting thousands of Americans drown in the streets of a major city, Brownie” side of things. But you know, the good times: The choking on pretzels. The massaging German chancellors. The speeches about how, “Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.”

I was 18 when W. was sworn in as the king of ‘merica. Not a girl, not yet a woman. In the eight years since - in no particular order - I’ve graduated from college, traveled around Europe, lost my virginity, discovered my favorite band, turned 21, developed a short-lived affinity for Camel Reds, lived in sin, gotten my first fulltime job, moved across the country, and most important of all, started a blog. And through it all, there has one been constant: the monkey-faced cowboy in the Oval Office making "decisions" and taking hilarious photos.

I never voted for G. Dubs, and disagreed with most of his policies, but still, in the maelstrom of late adolescences/early-mid 20s, it's nice to have some kind of constant. In a lot of ways, Georgie was mine. So, with the advice of Thumper in mind, I’ve decided to come up with Five Good things about the George W. Bush Presidency, as a way to send the old boy off:

1) We never did get attacked again. Sure 9/11 happened on his watch in the first place, and you could argue Iraq and Afghanistan did more harm than good, but the fact remains that American soil has been a safe haven from radical Islamic terrorism ever since W. promised to make it so. Now, radical hurricane terrorism and gun and drug violence are another story … but I digress.

2) He didn’t actually take away that many of our civil liberties. And considering the climate after 9/11, he could have. A lot of people liked to say the US "became like Nazi Germany” under Bush. These people have clearly never actually studied Nazi Germany.

3) The Daily Show got 1,000 times better under Bush. Honestly, both Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert should offer to walk Barney and Miss Beazley for the next five years. W’s many pratfalls made their careers.

4) AIDS in Africa. I’m too lazy to look up actual information on this, but I’ve read from various sources, both right and left, that Bush did more than any of his predecessors to help stop this epidemic.

5) We get to have Barack Obama now. W. messed things up so bad, America was willing to elect a black man president. I don’t know if Barry's going to be great, but I'd bet actual US dollars (now worth almost one Canadian dollar and a quarter of a British pound!) that he’ll be better. Was this last one kind of a back-handed compliment? Sure, but so were the last eight years.

God bless, George. Don’t let the door hit ya!

Sometimes things are better explained through song

I know I keep saying I don't like to get political on this blog, and then I go and get all political, but this video is really pretty funny. And it features Neil Patrick Harris. Who doesn't love NPH these days?

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

(I didn't write that stuff about Jack Black. It came with the embed, I swear!)

The unbearable lightness of winning

This is going to come as a shock to you all, but I voted for Barack Obama yesterday. And I was really psyched when he won last night, not only because I like a lot of his ideas, but also because I was previously 0 for 2 in presidential voting. I’d never seen “my guy” win before.

But around the time the TV called Ohio, making it pretty clear that Obama would win, I felt a sudden weight on my shoulders. And it dawned on me: I’d lost the excuse I’d been using for the past eight years. From now on, when the President does something stupid, I can't say, “Hey, I didn’t vote for him.

And that’s a little scary. I’ve grown accustomed to being a malcontent who grouses about the government guilt free because I always vote for losers. Now I’m a winner and I’m not sure how to wear it. Maybe some of our Republican readers can give me pointers. Wait, do we have any Republican readers? If nothing else, I guess I can fall back on the fact that I voted for Hilary Clinton in the primaries.

So congratulations President-elect Obama! Please don’t make any major mistakes that make me look stupid. (…or that, you know, ruin the country or something. Of course).

Duuuuude...

We have a black president!!!!
I may or may not have had a lot of celebratory champagne this evening. It's all Liz's fault either way.

Top 6: Election Day movies

It’s a rainy Election Day here in Southern California (I know!), and I hear there’s more of the same around the country. So before or after you cast your vote, curl up on the couch with one of these great flicks:

Primary Colors – Oh, Slick Willy, what a time we had. Bill Clinton circa 1992 is the obvious inspiration for this movie about a long-shot candidate for president who has a brilliant political mind and a genuine love for average folks, but is somewhat lacking in the moral compass department. Kathy Bates is at her Kathy Batesian best as a campaign aid.

The Candidate – Robert Redford and the late, great Peter Boyle star in this one about a young lawyer who agrees to run for the Senate only after being guaranteed he’ll lose. His campaign ends up doing surprisingly well, and his personal scruples go accordingly down the drain.

Bulworth – Warren Beatty discovers his inner brotha and saves the world. Or something. It's actually been ages since I’ve seen this, but I remember liking it. And Halle Berry is hottt.

Election – When you think of Reese Witherspoon today, the term “black comedy” doesn’t usually come to mind. But the movie that in many ways launched her career is one of the most bitingly funny films of the last ten years. Set around a high school election on Omaha, Neb., Witherspoon is phenomenal as the scary-ambitious Tracy Flick, and Matthew Broderick is hilarious as the nice-guy teacher trying to take her down. Online magazine Slate even managed to find some similarities between this movie and the 2008 race.

All the President’s Men – Robert Redford makes the list again (he really is dreamy in these ‘70s era films) in this movie about Watergate from the perspective of Woodward and Bernstein. Sometimes its fun to remember a time when the press did more than point out which politicians wore flag pins.

Dave – Kevin Klein plays a guy who looks exactly like the President, and gets called in for imposter duty when the real President has a stroke. Far fetched? Hell yes. Entertaining in that timeless, Prince and Pauper kind of way? Of course. I especially love Klein’s scenes with Sigourney Weaver’s first lady character.

Don’t forget to vote ya’ll! Remember, it’s about the kids.

Newsflash: It's Election Day!

I don't know if you've heard, but today is Election Day in the USA. No, really. It is! Because I am amazing, I voted on my way into work. I filled out a real paper ballot and everything (no faulty electronic voting machine in my awesome neighborhood!). They say it doesn't matter who you vote for as long as you vote, but we all know that's crap. You should vote based on your age. Winston Churchill said, "Show me a young Conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you someone with no brains." So, basically, everyone reading this should vote for Obama or you are disproving Winston Churchill and we all know he was smarter than anyone, ever (mainly because we share a birthday on Nov. 30th. Have I mentioned lately I'm turning 30 at the end of the month? I haven't? Email me and I'll send you the address where all presents can be sent).

In California, we also have The Big Gay Marriage Proposition. The Supreme Court of Cali decided months ago to legalize gay marriage and now all the (mainly) religious folks are trying to overturn that decision. These people make me angry. Mostly because when I officially give up on men, I'd like to know I'll have the full legal rights and benefits of the straights. It's all about me, doncha know.

So get out and vote for Obama or you have no heart. I'm just saying.

Let's not get political

Our love for the show Pushing Daisies is well noted on this site, but we've also always acknowledged that the show probably isn't for everyone.



Apparently those for whom it isn't far outnumber us fans, because the show is getting dismal ratings and might be on the chopping block. But tonight, it could potentially get a boost from the millions of Americans who are so over the 2008 Presidential campaign.


Barack Obama (in a move that probably made sense a few months ago when it was planned, but now looks like overkill) bought a half hour of advertising time on a bunch of television networks to sell himself to the 5 remaining undecided voters. For some convoluted reason, ABC didn't sell him the ad time, and so they're showing Pushing Daisies at 8 p.m.


I'm hoping that the viewing masses will turn on their sets, see a block of politics where they wish there was Bones, Dancing with the Stars or America's Next Top Model and start flipping around to other stations. On ABC, they'll be greeted by a show that looks and sounds like no other, and that makes me laugh out loud at least three times an episode.


People will be so intruiged, they'll decide to watch the next week, and the next week, and the week after that. Before long, Pushing Daisies will be a hit! (Or at least spared until next year's upfronts).


And that, my friends, is change we can believe in.

Headlines that you'd think are from The Onion or something but aren't (Vol. 2)

"Palin once blessed to be free from 'witchcraft'"


(I know this is the second one of these posts that has to do with witchcraft. I guess I just find modern people actually believing in witchcraft really frakin' funny).

30 Rock the Vote

When I first read the headline that John McCain picked a woman for his running mate, my first thought was, "Huh. That's interesting." Then I saw a picture of Sarah Palin and my first thought was, "I didn't know Tina Fey was a Republican!"

Seriously, check this out:

Which is which? Who is who? It's all coming apart!!!

I know we're not the first blog to point out the resemblance between Gov. Palin and the unsinkable Liz Lemon, but seriously, isn't that just crazy! And besides, when have things like "timeliness," "newsworthyness" and "of interest" ever had any kind of bearing on this blog? Honestly.

Middle America: Group of states, or state of mind?

I was reading an analysis of Michelle Obama's speech at the Democratic National Convention, and the analyzer said he thought her dress may have been "too bold for Middle America." This reminded me of a debate that began in my office about a year ago and never quite got resolved: Where is "Middle America"?

When people say Middle America, do they mean the physical middle of the country? Like the midwest? Or are they referring to the middle tier of society? Average folks, like?

I always thought it was the midwest, but someone in my office from Cleveland insists its the middle tier. Though he just might not want to come from "Middle America," since its usually used to describe a bunch of unsophisticated rubes.

Either way, I think this mysterious "Middle America" is chronically underestimated. You don't need to be from New York City to think Michelle Obama's dress looked lovely with her skin tone (though I'll admit I didn't realize it was a dress at first and thought it was a little casual. When I saw the full view, I stood corrected), and you don't need to be from LA to "get" things like The Daily Show and 30 Rock. Also, not everyone in Omaha wears elastic-waste sweatpants all the time and, and not everyone in South Dakota refuses to let their kids read Harry Potter. Furthermore, having grown up on the east coast and now residing on the west, I can assure you there are unfashionable, unitelligent troglodites who dwell by the sea as well, and wouldn't be caught dead in a Whole Foods.

My point being (and I do have one, sort of), is that I have faith in this "Middle America," wherever it is it may be.

You know the vice president doesn't even do anything, don't you?

Barack Obama is going to name a running mate. It will happen. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of our lives. Or for the rest of the campaign season at least.

But if you follow the dang ol’ Mainstream Media (everyone’s favorite nemesis, including my own, mostly because it doesn’t pay me enough) you’d think if Obama doesn’t pick a running mate RIGHT NOW, the very fabric of being that holds together the human race would collapse in upon itself, leaving nothing but dark matter in its place. (As if that would be a bad thing. God, you're so racist).

Today I looked at CNN’s Web site (which I sometimes do to see what “The Big Story of the Day is,” even though their lead piece is usually just something telling me that all my neighbors are child molesters). At the top of the page, there was a “breaking news” scroll that said reporters were camped out outside VP candidate Tim Kaine’s house.

Really CNN? This is what you’re putting your resources into? Camping an army outside a possible VP’s house and then telling us about it? What, do you think we’re impressed?

A) We’re not
B) Even if this Kaine guy wins, he’s not going to run outside like a kid with his straight A report card or a starlet with an Oscar and gush to you hacks all about it. He'll be in seclusion until him and Obama can do some kind rally together, most likely with a subtle "Hope/Change" motif. Numbskulls.
C) Why don’t you put this kind of effort into, I don’t know, finding out how badly the current president is spying on us, or just what the situation on the ground in Iraq really calls for?

I’m heaping all this criticism on CNN, but really, all the big cable outlets and what not are doing this. It’s just moronic. Also, why don’t they care so much about who McCain’s VP choice is?

Anyway, I’ll get off my soapbox now, but seriously, if I see one more headline to the effect of, “Possible Obama VP sited eating orange. What could it mean?” I might have to do the unthinkable and not read the Internet or watch TV all day. Please, no one wants it to come to that. No one!

Sweet Persephone's pomegranate seeds!

Wha ... muh ... huh ...? I have no idea what to do with this.

Except love it!



*Thanks to reader Sharon for sending this to me.

All in the Family

Politics is a filthy sport that's never helped anyone, so I generally like to steer clear of it on the blog, but this little item was too fun to ignore: Apparently Barack Obama is related to Brad Pitt, Hillary Clinton is related to Angelina Jolie, and John McCain's southern roots are too, um, tangled to figure out.

Notice a resemblance? Me neither.

The New England Historic Genealogical Society did family tree research on the leading presidential candidates and found all of them have some famous relatives. In addition to Brad Pitt, Obama is related to six presidents - including the current one - through is mama, not to mention Confederate General Robert E. Lee. Clinton is related to a lot of famous French Canadians through her mama, including Jack Kerouac, Celine Dion and Alanis Morissette, as well as Madonna and the aforementioned Jolie.

John McCain is related to First Lady Laura Bush, but in a rather amusing statement, the NEWHGS said that because a lot of McCain's ancestors are Southerners, they had trouble figuring out who else he's related to. "Notable connections (are) somewhat harder to trace because of challenges to genealogists in that region."

In other words: He inbred!

As far as I know, I'm not related to anyone noteworthy. I have a friend who found out she's a descendant of Scottish pirates. I think I'll start telling people I am too. Y'ar!