Monday, March 15, 2010

An Open Letter to Jessica Simpson

Oh my god, ya'll! I wish people would, like, stop objectifying me and stuff!

Dear Jess,

Guess what? John Mayer told the world you are amazing in bed. Guess what else? That's a compliment! You can stop complaining to the media about it and telling the ladies on The View things like, "more men are looking at me and I feel like they're undressing me." I'd bet you your daisy duke shorts that will always happen. You are a hot blond chick with a huge rack. Deal with it!

Is John Mayer tacky? Obviously. Should you rise above and be all like, "Yes, Barbra Walters, I am a firecracker in the sack. Next question!"? Of course you should. You pretty much seem like Jessica Biel, crying for being too pretty. No one feels sorry for you. So, just...stop, k?

Best!

Red

7 comments:

McGone said...

In her defense, I would take issue with the fact that King Douchebag described her as "Sexual Napalm" on account that a.) it equates sex with her as an experience with a never-ending burning sensation and b.) it shows the world that she had sex with someone who uses words like "sexual napalm."

words...words...words... said...

Yeah, if I were her I would focus my rage on the fact that everyone knows I banged John Mayer.

Liz said...

So is she not waiting for marriage any more?

Dr Zibbs said...

Amen

danielle970 said...

Somewhere in San Fernando Valley, Papa Joe Simpson is fist-pumping the air while whispering to Nick Lachey's voicemail, "See what you're missing?!"

Dave H said...

turds...turds...turds...

sorry I have just always wanted to do that lol

Dave H=Sexual Napalm

Red said...

She had a single released on the country charts. The fans didn't take to her, but I liked it better than anything John Mayer has put out.