Monday, October 26, 2009

Rant: Shut the Eff Up!

Yesterday, I saw the new Michael Moore documentary, Capitalism: A Love Story (which I won't really discuss here for political reasons, but I think you should see it). Now, I go to the movies almost weekly, so I have a system of sorts when I walk into the theater. I like to sit about halfway between the screen and the rear of the theater, smack in the middle, with no one beside, in front of or behind me. I hate, hate, hate if someone I don't know sits in the seat next to me and will move if space is available to avoid strangers in my bubble. Sometimes this isn't possible...yesterday was one of those times.

You can never tell who will talk their way through a movie. Oftentimes, the people who yell over the previews are quiet a mice during the actual movie (btw, where did that phrase come from? "Quiet as a mouse"? As someone current dealing with mice in her freaking bedroom walls, I can tell you, they are not quiet. In fact, they can be quite noisy as they try to claw through your walls at 3am every morning to give you the Black Plague!!! Someone get mjenks on this for me (to discover the origins of the phrase...not solve my mice problem...or can he?!)). My point is (yes I have one) the lady next to me yesterday insisted on narrating Michael Moore's already adequately narrated film. The opening scenes of a family being evicted were astutely met with "It's an eviction! It's an eviction!" from my Seat Neighbor. When Moore delved into Reganomics, SN mused "That's when it all began!" like, 5 times. And when talk turned of the recent hardships at a Chicago factory, SN cried, "That's right! They had a sit-in!" before the movie revealed this information. It's kinda like when I saw Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and the nerd next to me in a freaking cape(!) told me Harry was unwrapping an invisibility cloak before the move made it known. How about a "Spoiler Alert" dork?!

When did it become okay to talk in the movies? I know it's still not technically okay, but so many people do it. And even if they don't talk incessantly or forget to turn off and then answer their cell phones (again(!)), they make small comments throughout and drive everyone bananas. Like the old couple behind me (sorry, old people. You really are the worst culprits) when I saw As Good As It Gets, who marveled aloud at Jack Nicholson's OCD ("Wow. He's got a lot of soap!" "And it's so straight and tidy!" Gah!). I have noticed people don't talk during the movie at the art house theater. There's one thing the hipsters have going for them.

Really, though, talking in the movies is just a small part of a much larger problem. The world getting ruder and more self-centered. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. No one cares what you have to say...especially when they've paid $12 to watch a movie you didn't make. STFU!

We are all doomed.


The Vegetable Assassin said...

I will happily think death thoughts to any fucker talking during a movie I'm in. Usually I will glare at them but I have in the past told someone to "Shut the fuck up or leave" when they just got too annoying. I have also told someone to cease kicking the back of my seat. I'm mellow. But certain things will make my blood boil and that is one.

McGone said...

When I saw "No Country For Old Men," the guy behind me had emphysema or some similar affliction that required an oxygen tank, which looked a lot like the compressed air canister Anton Chigurh used to kill people with his captive bolt pistol. But it really didn't do so much to enhance that quiet tension the Coens used in about 98.7% of the film, let me tell ya, friendo.

danielle970 said...

I’m slowly finding that movie theater etiquette out here on the Left Coast is waaaay better than back home in NY. You hit the nail on the head when you said that people need to stop being so self-centered. It's a sense of entitlement that makes people act like total assholes with no regard for the people around them. And the second you dare call them on their rudeness, be prepared for a hailstorm of, "What?! You got a problem with ME?! Well f*uck off, then leave!"

You've successfully got my blood boiling (more than it was last night), Red. I may need a tranquilizer later today.

BeckEye said...

I recently went to see "Paranormal Activity" in a packed house. Of course there were the typical, "Oh hell no, get outta the house" comments and laughter all throughout, but these Spanish guys about 2 rows behind us would NOT shut up the entire time. It was all Papi this and Mami that. So, finally the lady behind us who had this THICK Jewish/Long Island accent asked them rather politely to be quiet, which of course was the wrong thing to do. Instead of realizing they were probably bothering everyone, the one guy starts going, "Hey Mami, I'm talking to my friend, I ain't talking to you," as if that makes it okay that he's talking to his friend DURING A MOVIE. Then he started agitating her for no reason, saying stupid shit like, "Hey Mami, I think you stink." (And he was much older than 13.) This prompted her to start grousing like Mike Meyers on "Coffee Talk," "TWENTY FIVE DOLLAHS TO HEAR THESE GUYS TAWK THE WHOLE TIME! MY GOD!"

Needless to say, I was kind of hoping that demon would jump out of the screen and rip everyone's souls apart.

Pearl said...

There are people who talk all the way through, and people who don't, and it's one of the telltale signs of a good upbringing.


That's the theory I'm going with today, anyway!


red said...

Pearl: I totally agree. My mother would have killed me if I ever talked in a movie.

Liz said...

That's the most annoying part, Danielle and Becks - pple who talk the whole time, and someone asks them to be quiet, and the TALKERS get mad. Like they've been rudely interupted. If you want to talk through movies, WATCH THEM AT HOME!!!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

It's because black is used symbolically to represent death, dark times, and hardship...all three of which were highly present during the years of plague outbreak.

However, due to gangrene in the extremities and sub-dermal hemmoraging in the late stages of the plague, your body would be all bruised and darkened as you took your final breath. This is a convenient way to explain why it's called "the Black Plague" or "the Black Death", but it's more of a coincidence than anything else. The reason is just because of the symbolism of the color black.

As for the mice in your walls, let me get my spear and magic helmet.

red said...

Thanks, mjenks! I was actually looking for the origin of the phrase "quiet as a mouse," though (I know. My ramblings and love of parentheses are confusing), since the mice in my walls are anything but quiet. You got anything on that?

Red's Oldest Friend said...

I went to see Coco before Channel and actually had a guy in the same row three seats down passing roll to one cheek pass gas! What do you do in that situation?? Red is right talking in movies is a big no no in her family. If you want to talk during a movie rent it when it comes out on DVD...people are so rude and have no clue that they are being rude & that is the sad part. Someone did not teach them any manners for sure.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

According to here they're furtive little bastards when they're creeping around looking for food.

Since the phrase comes from the 1500s, the originators most likely never had to deal with mice living behind plasterboard. Presumably, stone and timbers hide noise better than drywall.

Either that or you don't have mice at all. Could be something bigger, like badgers. You ever consider a badger infestation?

red said...

No!!! We don't have no stinking badgers! Stop freaking me out!!!

That makes sense, though. Back in the day they would have been much quieter.

I knew I could count on you.

words...words...words... said...

By the end of this rant I was twitching. I just got madder and madder. The entitlement bugs me more than the actual noise. The "I'm talking because I want to talk and if you don't like it then you are the one who has the problem" attitude sets me off quicker than just about anything.

It's true, people think they're special snowflakes. That's what we get for encouraging self-esteem without encouraging people to earn it.

You're right. We're all doomed.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Finally, that love of etymology is paying off.

Now, if only I could turn it into money, that would really help out. Or boob shots.

Mathdude said...

You might find this hard to believe, but I sometimes talk in movies. I used to be on your side, but then I worked in corrections and learned to go with the flow.