Monday, July 6, 2009

An Open Letter to Kelly Clarkson

Rob Pattinson has nothing to do with this post, but I saw him and thought, "Why the hell not?"

Dear Kelly,

Thank you for entertaining me so very much at your concert last night. Sure, I felt a little out of place, being a music snob of sorts and without a gay boyfriend at my side (I'm between such companions at the moment), but I want you to know I sang heartily and totally did your jumping up and down dance when you sang "Since You've Been Gone."

I'm writing to let you know we should pretty much be best friends. We have so much in common! When you joked about your mic pack falling out of your back pocket because you have a big butt, I though, "OMG! I have a big butt, too!" When you told everyone the confessional nature of "Because of You" makes you want to "barf," I thought, "No way! I use the word 'barf' All. The. Time!" and when you covered Janet Jackson's "If" I realized I totally love to dance to that song and may or may not still know the wacky dance moves from the music video!

Needless to say, as your BFF, I promise to never upstage you when you make me one of your backup singers, help you with your psuedo-tragic fashion sense (Seriously. Enough with the terrible black bell-bottoms!), stick up for you when people say you're a lesbian because you don't have a boyfriend (The Stars: They're Just Like Us!) and kill whomever runs Google images for suggesting "Kelly Clarkson fat" when I Google image your name (sometimes, I really hate this universe). So, yeah. Call me Kelly because my life kinda sucks without you.




The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Music snob or not, she has a great voice.

MichelleSG said...

I know her name, I don't know her. And after clicking on that tragic fashion sense hyperlink I don't want to know her. Tragic really just doesn't encompass that. Really, there are no words....

Liz said...

Maybe Let's Make Out can open for her next tour! We'll surely be big enough by then

words...words...words... said...

Dear Red,

OMG we DO have so much in common! I was all ready to make you a BFF bracelet, and then I realized that you posted a picture of that gay vampire who is famous for some reason.

Please stop calling me.

From Kelly To Red

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Did she grin at all while talking about the mic pack falling out of her back pocket? Cause, you know, you should never trust a big butt and a smile.