Friday, October 10, 2008

How to survive an economic crisis


Seeing as we’re rapidly approaching financial Armageddon, it’s about time we got our Economic Meltdown Survival Kits ready. As Gingers is the Watchword’s resident financial expert (which, by the way, is terrifying in and of itself) I’ve taken it upon myself to tell you what you’ll need to survive this new world order.

Newspapers – A dying industry finds hope in dark times, as people remember that its product can double as a source of bedding, clothing, insulation and – in the darkest of hours and truly as a last resort – reading materials.

Scally caps – Not entirely sure why, but downtrodden people seem to love them.

Pliers – Numerous TV commercials and pop up ads have informed me that with currency losing value, the only thing worth having is gold. But you’ll find pretty quickly that your delicate necklaces, bracelets and earrings will barely cover the cost of the rags you’ll need to wrap your feet. Eventually, you’re going to have to go after the mother load: gold fillings. This might sound brutal, pulling out teeth with pliers, but luckily, its mostly older people who still have those. They’re easier to hold down.

Wine –
Alcohol is a gimme, but I find wine really hits the Economic Meltdown mood more than any other. I would, however, also keep an emergency case of Jagermeister on hand, just in case this thing actually gets into The Road territory. Because then you'll want to kill yourself.

DownfallI don’t need to tell you that portable radios, TVs, DVD players and the batteries to operate them are a given in any crisis. But I do need to tell you which specific movies to pack. (In addition to being a financial expert, I’m a “Movie to Fit a Certain Mood” expert as well. You didn’t realize you had such genius in your midst, did you? You’re welcome). Downfall is about the last days of the Third Reich, most of it taking place in Hitler’s bunker. Not only is it a fascinating character study, it also reminds you that no matter how bad things get, they could always get worse. Other good titles to remind you of this: Schindler’s List, The Pianist (Anything involving the Nazis or the Holocaust really), Alive and Bio-Dome (because at least you’re not trapped with Paulie Shore).

Condoms –
I’ll assume explanation is unnecessary. But if not …


Zombie Repellent – It’s a well-known fact that when bankers lose too much money, their flesh turns gray and they acquire a taste for human brains. (Look it up). Keep them at bay by spraying yourself and all your belongings with any designer imposter body spray you can find. That will alert them that there is no – and I mean no! – money near you.

6 comments:

Red said...

So that's where babies come from!

words words words said...

What about bindles? Are they passe now?

Dr Zibbs said...

Nice shelter but please post the plan for the smaller shelter for my servants.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Newspapers are also serviceable for toilet paper.

As for pliers, I'll sell them at a pawn shop. For me, gold extraction from teeth comes easiest with a cue ball and a tube sock.

Falwless said...

This was fucking funny.

And useful, too!

Gnugs said...

I would leave up the "where do babies come from" screen on my computer when I went to lunch yesterday. When I got back, I had a collection of stick notes ranging from explanations, to bible quotes, to positional tips, to propositions. I think I'll keep the latter two for future reference.