Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Top 5 Movies that Dave likes but most other people think are retarded

It's been so long since posting here, that I pretty much forgot how Blogspot works. OK, I hit these things with letters on them and stuff comes up on the screen. Got it.

So like McDonald's Dollar Menu, fantasy sports and genital warts, there are certain things in life that I find both facinating and enjoyable, but that most of you other quasi-intelligent humanoids out there find either dumb, repulsive, pointless and/or all of the above.

Well since our "staff" here is relishing in top 5 posts, it's only fitting to jump on board in the trademark witty, sophomoric Dave H. fashion. So here we go, if you don't like any of these movies then you are a major hater, and ergo fuck you...

1) Double Team (1997)-Jean Claude Van Dam and Dennis Rodman

In this action/adventure epic, Van Dam plays a counter-terrorist agent chasing some random, semi-competent euro-trash villian named Stavros. However, his target proves quite elusive and cunning, thereby requiring the assistance of a Swiss black-market arms dealer named Yaz, played by none other then Dennis Rodman. Needless to say, most people will pre-judge this flick as gi-normously retarded just from the main two stars. But no, this is one non-stop thrill ride, culminating in a over-the-top romp in the Roman Colusieum which involves an underground bomb, rocket launchers and rabid Bengal tiger! And the hoop-related one liners utterd by the Worm are simply priceless:

(Throws two guys through a car window, simulataneously knocking out both of them and the drive)--

"That's a Three Pointer"

(Tosses a stick of dynamite down a manhole, blowing up a bunch of terrorists)

"Just like a Free Throw"

If you've seen this movie and hated it, raise your hand. OK, all those people with your hands raised, you're stupid.

2) Cabin Boy (1994)-Chris Elliot

Our favorite star of Get A Life stars in this hilarious comedy:

"Snobby school boy goes left, and mistakes the "Filthy Whore" for his millionaire dad's yacht. He joins four filthy fishermen for hijinx on the high seas." (IMDB)

It's been a while since watching this one, but rest assured the laughes in this movie are as countless as they are tasteless. The "Do You Wann Buy a Monkey" line is prehaps David Letterman's greatest cinematic achievement, and as I recall there is also some great herpes and gay pirate humor mixed in. Instant classic to me, instantly repulsive to most.

3) Benji: The Hunted (1987)-Benji The Dog

Basically, Benji's dumb-ass owners somehow loss the fucking dog, and he ends up in the "wilderness" of the Oregon coastline. In this harrowing tale about bravery, friendship and the will to survive, some asshole hunter shots this mother cougar, with Benji randomly bearing witness to the entire grizzly scene. He then stumbles upon four of the orphaned cougar kittens, taking them in and protecting them as his own while also trying to figure out how to return to his masters. Nature fucks shit up, though. There is a bad-ass wolf the does something if I recall, and one of the cubs gets preyed upon by some kind of giant eagle/flying bird. Honestly, the nature cinematography is pretty cool. In the end, since it's Disney, everything turns out OK, and the dog licks the shit out of some stupid kid's face. However, it is nice to occasionally watch a movie with lots of nature and little to no dialogue for a Hollywood screenwriter to mess up. So cuddle up with a pint of Knob Creek and a package of salami, and enjoy the ride (god knows I'm probably the only one that did).

4) The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh (1979)- Julius Erving, Johnathan Winters, Kareen Abdul-Jabbar

"The Pitsburgh Pythons basketball team is hopeless, and the worst team in the NBA. Maybe with the aid of an astrologer, and some new astrologicly compatable players, they can become winners. They in turn decide to hold open tryouts and they only select players who are born under the same zodiac sign, Pisces. And what they get are some weirdos but when they play together, they are phenomenal. " (IMDB)

Awesome flick, and in my opinion a much better watch then the hockey cult classic "Slap Shot." Then again, I'm biased due to liking a basketball better and being a Pisces born in 1979. This was Major Leage before there was Major League, except nobody really liked or watched it for some reason. The awesomeness of this movie is hard to put into words, so check out the team intros for the "Championship Game" between Los Angeles and Pitt. Keep your eye out for a stoned Kareem and Marv Albert (pre hooker-biting version):

5) Alexander (2004)- Colin Farrell

So pretty much every critic and friend that I know who has watched it has shit/pissed/both on this movie. Too long, too boring, too much stuff that probably never happened. However, for me it was an extremely interesting historical drama, in which the liberties that Ollie Stone took added depth and intrigue to perhaps the greatest world leader in all of history. Murdering his best friend in a drunken rage, taking on a savage Asian concumbine and a decent into madness upon invading India are all wonderful brushstrokes in this portrait of a most complicated individual. (NOTE: author DID NOT ENJOY guys making out in this movie).

So there you have it. If you are somehow on board with me on ALL FIVE of these masterpieces, then I suggest that you call your therapist and book an extra 2-3 sessions per month. Late.


Liz said...

I really want to see that basketball movie! I think I'll pass on the others though

Dave H said...

That pretty much qaulifies you as a relatively normal, sane human being.

The basketball one is good, though. I've been looking for a Pittsburgh Pices replica jersey on ebay for like 10 years.

red said...

I think I saw Cabin Boy. I definitely remember Letterman.

words...words...words... said...

My favorite part of the fish movie is also the announcements. "Ladies and gentlemen, the Los!"

Liz said...

P.S. I love that a reviewer called Double Team a "Siam Banger." The art of the single entendre isn't as easy to master as it seems

Garney said...

I enjoyed Cabin Boy and Benji The Hunted, though I only saw each of them once in the theater at the appropriate age for each.

I rented Alexander and couldn't get through it, but one of these days I'm going to give it another chance.

Malcolm said...

I haven't seen "The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh" in years! Some of my favorite parts were when the silent bald headed player drove a couple of adoring female fans crazy with his magic trick, the beating that "Set Shot" took to earn trips to the free throw line, and the disgruntled player who was running up and down the court holding a sign that said "Trade Me".

Dr Zibbs said...

I just wrote a similar post this morning.

BeckEye said...

Strangely enough, I've never seen "The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh," even though I'm from Pittsburgh.

I watched "Benji: The Hunted" with my dog once. He wouldn't let me turn it off. It was mind-numbingly boring, but he was completely enthralled the entire time. I just enjoyed watching him watch it.