Friday, March 5, 2010

And the Most Self-Congratulatory Moment of the Night Will Be ....

Since everyone else is putting in their 2 cents about the Oscars this weekend, I thought I’d give you some predictions of my own. But seeing as I have no new insight and haven't seen about a dozen of the films nominated in major categories, my prognosticating will be of a different sort. Observe.

Category: Most Probable Opening Sequence
- Song and Dance Number with Hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin
- Comedy Routine with Hosts
- One of those Things where the Hosts are Green Screened into every Best Picture Nominee
Dueling Banjos with Hosts

Will Win: Green Screen
Should Win: Dueling. Banjos.

Category: Biggest Applause during the "In Memorium" Death Reel
- Natasha Richardson
- David Carradine
- Dom DeLuise
- Karl Malden
- Patrick Swayze
- Brittany Murphy

Will Win: Swayze
Should Win: Swayze

Category: Most Likely Acceptance Speech Scenarios
- Bullock cries; Mo’Nique swears; Waltz says something in German; Bridges acts like he doesn’t care; Cameron screams, “I see you … for I am the King of the World!!!”

- Bullock swears; Mo’Nique cries; Waltz says something in English but everyone thinks it’s German; Bridges sends a Native American up to accept his award; Bigelow screams, “Goddamn! You are one radical son of a bitch!”

- Bullock falls comically; Mo’Nique doesn’t swear but get’s pre-emptively bleeped by terrified censors; Waltz refers to his Oscar as an “Inglorious Bastard;” Bridges cries; Bigelow dedicates her Oscar to brave veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan.

- Gabourey Sidibe upsets; Mo’Nique tells everyone she shaved her legs – and more - this time, then proceeds to prove it; Waltz thanks the good people of Germany, leading to nervous laughter from the 85 percent Jewish crowd; Bridges acts vaguely like The Dude; Cameron dedicates his Oscar to the brave veterans of Pandora.

Will Win: Option 1
Should Win: While it’d be cool to see Sidibe upset, I’ll go with option 3.

Category: Most Useless Montage Reel
- A Salute to Boom Mics
- Great Moments in Chimp Acting
- The Best of ‘90s Teen Comedies
- The Decade That Was: The ‘00s.

Will Win: Chimps
Should Win: Boom Mics

Category: Liz and Red’s Champagne Consumption
- 1 bottle
- 3 bottles
- 5 bottles
- Eff champagne, we’re drinking Jack. Straight up!

Will Win: 1 bottle
Should Win: 5 bottles.

Enjoy the show everyone!


words...words...words... said...

Chimp acting! Chimp acting! I can't wait to see clips from Hail To The Chimp and Editor-In-Chimp. I wonder if damn dirty apes count?

Also, 5 bottles should win but 1 bottle will win.

BeckEye said...

I effing hate the death reel/popularity contest. People might as well just start shouting out stuff like, "Her life was more important than everyone else's!" Or "That guy won't be missed! No one remembers him!"

I hate it even more since they snubbed Brad Renfro. Seriously, how do you get snubbed from the death reel?? Assholes.

words...words...words... said...

I hate the Dead People Montage, too. If people can't be mature enough to reserve applause until the montage is over, then they should ditch it.