Friday, August 8, 2008

Dear Internet: Oympic Version

Dear Internet,

I read you every day and love you more than my sanity can handle. You have given me so much. But now, I fear I must ask of you a favor.

You see, I also love the Olympic Games, more than Americans are supposed to. I’ve been an avid watcher since Calgary in 1988. Since around 2004, however, I noticed a disturbing trend. This trend probably began more around 2000, but it wasn’t until 2004 that I spent my days in front of a computer, chronically, compulsively checking the Internet.

During the ’04 Athens games, I realized that any Web site that relays any kind of news, from the New York Times to Yahoo, puts Olympic results right up there on the home page for the whole world to see, before the whole world has actually had a chance to see them on television. I’ve had everything from soccer to speed skating totally ruined for me.

So, I was wondering if there was any way you convince the druids who conjure your Web sites and make them available for our viewing to perhaps hide results behind a link, rather than putting them right up there on the home page in bold, size 18 font. Sort of the cyberspace equivalent of what TV and radio do - where there tell you they're about to relay results, and if you don't want to hear, turn down the volume. This way, Lil’ Liz in San Diego won’t have to avoid the Internet for the next two weeks. For even if she were able to accomplish such a momentous feat of human endurance, she’d surely be in a straight jacket by the end of it.

Citius, Altius, Fortius,



The Internet said...

Dear Liz,

I'd love to help you out here, but I am a heartless a-hole and don't care about the little people. Kinda like Alan Thicke.


The Internet

Red said...

Latin makes my brain hurt.

Liz said...

Alan Thicke, hahahahhahhahahahha.

Thanks for at least acknowledging my existence, 'Net. Can I call you Net?

the indefatigable mjenks said...

quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur

Red said...

Shut it, mjenks!

Liz said...

Red: Citius, Altius, Fortius is the Olympic motto. It means "swifter, higher, stronger." Or so I'm told. I was going to explain that in the post, but decided you guys could look up your own damn Latin. For once!

Falwless said...

I took AP Latin. A lot of fucking good that shit did. Seriously. What was I thinking?!

Falwless said...

Also, as it is asked so shall it be done. Please. Good day. Amen.

words words words said...

The Internet is a dick. It has ruined more sports events for me than I care to enumerate. Even little ones, just to screw me. When my nephew won his Little League game, it was on the damn front page of Irredeemable a-holes.

Red said...

Pequena Hillary never fails to make me laugh.

the indefatigable mjenks said...

I knew what it meant.

Did no one get the brilliance of my comment?

No one?

Damn. I suck.