Friday, February 13, 2009

My Bloody Valentine

We’re in for a powerful mashup of “holidays” this weekend, guys. A mashup that can only portend death, death for everyone!!!

I put “holidays” in quotation marks because the dates I’m speaking of are today, Friday the 13th - which isn’t exactly a holiday, unless you’re a mall goth - and Valentine's Day, an inane celebration invented to stimulate the winter economy by forcing the en-coupled to buy chocolates and flowers, and the single to buy grain alcohol. America!

But what does it mean when one follows the other? When a day known for bad luck and mishaps comes right before a day renowned for love? Dear readers, I have no idea. But it must mean something. So, to get to the bottom of this, I’ve decided to study the movie posters from some of the Friday the 13th movies, and compare and contrast them with the biggest date movies that came out in their respective years. Because, well, what the hell, right? Let’s see how this goes:

1980

Installation of Friday the 13th : Original

What the poster tells us about mixing Friday the 13th and Valentine’s Day: According to this poster, inside each and every one of us, there’s a forest full of horny teenagers. The only way to deal with this is to carry around a bloody knife, as a warning to those who want to get close.








Highest grossing date movie: Blue Lagoon


What the poster tells us about mixing Friday the 13th with Valentine’s Day: First of all, Brooke Shields has obviously had some work done because there’s no way that girl grew up into this naturally. But also, apparently the booty-knockin' youths in this movie were cousins?!?! That's what the description on IMBD says. (I've never seen it). I think what this poster is trying to say is that sleeping with your cousin leads to a lot of words, kind of like a lawsuit, or doctors bills for your many deformed kids.







Conclusion: No matter how much of a horny teenager you are, don’t sleep with your cousin.



1993

Installation of Friday the 13th: Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (9th in the series, first of the ‘90s)

What the poster tells us about mixing Friday the 13 with Valentine’s Day: No matter what you make your hockey mask out of – standard plastic or chromium steel – if you are a raging inferno of desire, your “snake” will find a way to burst out.






Highest grossing date movie: Sleepless in Seattle.


What the poster tells us: If you have searched and searched for your one true love, and finally decide to meet her on top of the Space Needle, be careful that its not a windy night, because she just might blow away and die a bone crunching death, rather than join you and your meddling son for dinner.







Conclusion: Never go outside, and use a condom.



2009

Installation of Friday the 13th: Friday the 13th (In its 12th installment, the producers ran out of ideas for titles. Fun fact: Red and I kind of know a guy in this movie).

What the poster tells us about mixing Friday the 13th and Valentine’s Day: Hiding in dark corners and stalking your love from the shadows is no way to get noticed. Wearing a mask doesn’t help the situation. While it’s true that we gals love the strong silent type, we also love a man who makes the first move.








Highest grossing date movie (so far): He’s Just not that into You


What the poster tells us:
Beautiful people enjoy smiling. If you’re not one of these people, he’s probably just not that into you. Comfort yourself by eating ten boxes of candy hearts that say, “Call Me” and try no to choke on the irony.









Conclusion: We are all in the dark when it comes to relationships. Both those of us who hide our true selves, and those of us who try to put others in boxes. The only happy people are rich and good looking. It’s just our bad luck that we’re not among them.


General Conclusion:
OK, let’s see, what has this exercise taught us about mixing holidays ………………………………

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Liz has too much time on her hands and should work harder at her job!

Truer words have never been spoken. Happy Friday the 13th/Valentine’s Day everyone!

4 comments:

red said...

You are a genius!

Who do we know in the new Friday the 13th?

Nooch said...

This made my weekend. You forgot one thing Liz... Monday is a holiday too. Not sure what movies you can use for a President's birthday. Maybe do a comparison of chick flicks, horror flicks, and political conspiracy theory flicks?

BeckEye said...

I've always felt that there's a forest full of horny teenagers inside me. One of them looks like Kevin Bacon.

My roommates and I had some friends over on the 13th and watched the first 2 Jason movies. Man, I really forgot how not scary those movies are. We turned them into MST3K installments.

Falwless said...

I'm laughing pretty hard at the tag "quite possibly the weirdest/stupidest post ever on this blog and that's saying something." I love the GitW bloggers.