Monday, July 7, 2008

But I'm a carnivore

I’m going through something of an identity crisis, and it involves my new shoes.

You see, they’re vegan. This wasn’t planned, you understand. I didn’t wake up in a cold sweat one night and scream, “No leather!” I own a leather jacket and several leather shoes that I wear and love. I eat meat on a regular basis. I AM NOT A VEGAN!

And yet … I was walking around my neighborhood the other night and noticed the vegan store was open. The vegan store is never open, which only makes me want to go inside. That, and they have goofy t-shirts in the window, and I’m a sucker for goofy t-shirts.

So I went inside, and noticed they had a lot of really cute shoes. Being in need of new shoes for work (the “temporary” American Eagle shoes I bought at Payless for $10 are going on 6 months old and aren't doing so well) I browsed a bit, and found a pair I really liked for a reasonable price. Before I knew it, I was handing the clerk my debit card. The vegan store clerk.

Once I left the store, I realized what I’d done. I'd just bought a pair of shoes that I'd tried on while a man sitting next to me freaked out over the treatment of cows. The woman who sold me the shoes offered me list of local restaurants and a DVD full of “really depressing videos.” I had crossed a line I never intended to cross.

See, I generally have no problem with vegetarians and in theory I have no problem with vegans. But in practice, the only time I do have problems with vegetarians is when they get all up in your steak-eating business, and that seems to be the vegan M.O. 99 percent of the time. These are the skinny little people with asymmetrical haircuts who make you feel guilty at a party when you show up with chicken wings. I don’t really want to support these people.

But now I have. As I write this, I’m wearing my vegan Madden Girl shoes made of, in the words of the inside heel, “all man made materials.” The inside of my shoe goes on to tell me that they’re made in Eastern China. Great. So not only have I supported vegans, I’ve heightened the energy crisis and forced some poor 12-year-old Chinese kid into cobbling. This is just great.

I really need to work on my impulse shopping, before anyone else gets hurt.


pistols at dawn said...

Oh, sweet Christ. I lived with a vegan girlfriend for 18 months, though it felt like 3,000 years, because every time we'd go to the grocery store, it would almost end in blows.

"We can't get that brand of tofu, because it's made by ConAgra, and I will not support factory farming."

"I bought you milk! Do you know how long it's been since I've purchased milk?"

Thanks for helping me relive those magic days.

pistols at dawn said...

Oh, and when I said "end in blows," I meant it, because that was the only thing worth keeping her around for. Although we did have to drive for five miles because all the rest of the Albertsons wouldn't let us back in.

Red said...

I tried to be a Vegan for about 5 days and couldn't do it. Still, every time we drive by the Vegan store, Annie says "Look! A store for you! You can buy all your stuff there." Uh, no.

Red said...

And Pistols: I can't tell if you are talking about fighting or blowjobs...

Liz said...

One of my best friends came and stayed with me once and I brought out this jug of Gallo wine, and she was all, "Umm, do you have anything else? I can't drink Gallo, they don't pay their workers well" or some shit. I decided right then and there that she'd been in San Francisco too long. And to make sure I bought Gallo every time she came over. I mean, my office doesn't pay its workers well either - that's why I buy Gallo.

pistols at dawn said...

Red, when in doubt, always go with the cruder option.

Falwless said...


I love you girls.

Falwless said...

And by that I mean you, too, Pistols.