Confessions of a Facebooktard

I hate social networking sites. They always make me feel like such an old lady and a loser. However, one day earlier this year, a friend sent me a song by a mutual friend on Facebook and I had to sign-up to listen. So, I did...because I am weak.

Now, people send me virtual stuff on a semi-daily basis. My friend Anastasia sends me fish for my H2Otopia (she also cleans my tank since I can't figure out how to do it myself). Apparently, if I sent her fish, it would somehow provide clean water for all the kids in Africa (and keep her for a friend, as accepting gifts without reciprocating is kinda douchey). My friend Angela sends me plants for a virtual garden. Again, if I could figure out how to send her plants in return, it would save, like, a billion acres of rain forest in the Amazon. The internets are magic! This morning, I was informed I am now "owned" and am worth $6,850. While I think that price is a little low, I don't understand why some people are worth only a dollar and I'm worth more than six grand...especially since I've never done anything to increase my worth. It's all very confusing.

All evidence posted here to the contrary, I am not a moron, but Facebook makes me feel like I couldn't program a VCR (and I can! Or I could when people still used that archaic technology). Granted, if I can't figure out how to do something within 30 seconds, I give up and move on to something else, but still...all these things are evidence I am, as I suspected, too old and lame for Facebook. So, after I use it to invite everyone I've ever met to my 30th birthday party, I will disappear from The Book and vow to never virtually network again. So say we all.

(P.S. Thanks for sending me stuff, friends. It makes me feel special, even if I complain and don't know what to do with any of it.)