Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I like them, I really like them

While watching the Oscars with Red the other night, I noticed something. Aside from the fact that the two of us can put away a bottle of champers with surprising ease – I’ve realized I like a lot of actresses that everyone else hates.

When Jennifer Garner came out to present an early award and I commented how I like her, Red indicated I’m pretty much alone in that. Then a similar thing happened when Katherine Heigl came out, and it got me wondering: Am I just crazy? Do I not read enough EW and In Touch and am therefore unaware of all the batshit crazy diva demands these gals make on their poor, poor assistants? Am I seeing an inner glow that no one else sees? It’s probably all of the above (ok, just the first two) but I thought this was worth further examination. Generally, I judge a celebrity’s “likeability” by how I think that person would act during a night out drinking. And for reasons as varied as there are types of whiskey, I think these dames would be fun for a night on the town. Allow me to explain further. (And as always, feel free to disagree in Ye Olde Comments Section).

Jennifer Garner: I mostly love JG because she kicked so much a$$ in the first two season of Alias. (I like to pretend the last two seasons of that show didn’t happen). I’ve also heard she’s a big goofball in real life, and I can kind of see it. In a night of drinking, I picture Jen being the member of the group who giggles a lot when she’s drunk, gets endearingly sloppy as the night goes on, and on special occasions, will snort a strawberry daiquiri out of her nose in a fit of laughter. She’ll be mortified at first, but eventually joins in while everyone’s making fun of her. She’ll also hold your other friends’ hair back when they’re yacking.

Katherine Heigl: Everyone hates this one lately, so I’m thinking my lack of tabloid/entertainment television knowledge must be leaving me in the dark on some unflattering behavior. But I don’t know, the few interviews I’ve seen her in she seems pretty cool. She was also on one of my all-time guilty pleasures, the short-lived teen sci-fi show Roswell, and in My Father the Hero, so her body of work speaks for itself. I picture Heigl getting kind of loud and confrontational when drunk, and possibly picking fights with other girls. But you know she’s only doing it because that other girl totally spilled beer on poor drunk Jennifer Garner, and The Heig is always good for a round or two and never stiffs you for the cab, so you let her get away with her it.

Kiera Knightley: She’s very, very pretty and very, VERY skinny, so I get why a lot of girls hate this one, but I gotta say, I’ve enjoyed pretty much everything she’s been in. Bend it like Beckham, Love Actually, the first Pirates of the Caribbean, Atonement – nary an embarrassing performance. She was pretty much asked to carry the third Pirates of the Caribbean and couldn’t quite pull it off, but she was more than serviceable as every smart girls favorite heroine, Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice, so that’s something. Red thinks this basically means I like Kiera “because she tries,” but I like to think its more than that. Even though she weighs 95 lbs, by virtue of her being English, in a drinking situation I think Kiera would be great for knocking back a few pints while making snide comments about the loser guys who won’t leave us alone. Because we’re both soooo pretty.

Winona Ryder: Sure, you all say you like Winona just fine, but are you actively awaiting her comeback the way most people are awaiting their government reimbursement checks? No, you’re not. But I am. When going out for drinks with Winona, you’ll probably send her to the bar to buy a round, and 20 minutes later notice she hasn’t returned. You’ll discover that she’s deeply engrossed the bartender in a conversation about the waning of the Age of Aquarius and its direct responsibility for strife in Uganda. The other bartender will be so amused, he'll let you and the rest of your friends drink for free. God bless that waiffish little wood sprite.

Nicole Kidman: Oh yeah, she’s a total ice queen and no doubt a diva of epic proportions. But I feel like she’s my kind of ice queen. I can’t imagine going out for drinks with Nic. Not remotely. Rather, I imagine sitting with her in a glamorous drawing room while a 10-foot-high fireplace blazes in front us. We sip ridiculously expensive champagne and pat her pet snow leopard that's lounging on the floor. Suddenly the phone rings. She answers and gets very agitated, screaming things like, “What do you mean she’s having twins?? What was in the water in that f*cking Creek?!?!” She slams down the phone and hurls her champagne flute into the fireplace, where it explodes in a miniature fireball. In a perfect world, this would be my life. Since I imagine it’s already Nic’s, I just want to be a part of it.

Note: As recently as a year or so ago, Angelina Jolie would have totally made this list, because I always preferred her in the Aniston/Jolie Debates. And she would provide for an UNBELIEVABLE night on the town. We're talking snake blood and midgets, folks. But her recent baby collecting has kind of turned me off.


Red said...

Fantastic. I actually love Winona and Nicole, and Kiera (and her pouty face) is growing on me, but here's why i don't like the other 2:

Jennifer Garner - Seemingly started dating Michael Vartan before she was divorced from Scott Foley (who was always my choice on Felicity) and I think, as much as i love goofy, her goofiness would bug me after about 30 minutes.

Katherine Heigl - I lost it for her when she corrected the announcer at the Emmys for mispronouncing her name. And it wasn't the correction that bugged me...it was the bitchy way she did it. Also, every time she's interviewed, she seems to be complaining about something. That gets old...quick...

Falwless said...


Pet snow leopards. Baby collecting. Waifish wood sprites.

Liz, you done good, blogstress. You done good.

Also, please don't steal any more of my mother's jewelry. Thanks in advance.

Garney, that goes for you, too.

Red said...

I also love that I represent "everyone else" in this scenario. Rad.

doorknob_dan said...

With the exception of Ice Goddess, I don't get why anyone would be aflutter over all these girls.

I especially dislike Kiera Knightley - I swear to God she's forcing that nose shut out of some sort of self-conscious douchebaggery. Expect her to become the next Michael Jackson with the nose biz.

I don't think Wynona would be all that bad as a person. But I think you'd have to watch your wallet or purse around her. She's got sticky fingers, and not because of the chicken wings if you know what I mean. And that's not cool if you want to hang around her, you're always going to be patting your pocket out of fear to make sure your keys are still there. Who wants the stress?

Liz said...

Winona was totally framed! OK, not remotely. But still. I'm not a super fan of any of these gals, I just don't hate them. Which apparently puts me in the minority of my fellow ladies.