Sunday, April 13, 2008

Saturday Night (cabin) Fever

Due to a lack of financial resources (which was in turn due to an excessive consumption of alcohol the previous weekend) I had a relaxing evening at home this Saturday, and it taught me a few things about my neighbors. Most importantly:

1) The girl who lives above me appears to be some sort of carpenter/Olympic tumbler


2) Approximately 47 people live in the apartment diagonally above me, and they’re all into clubbing.

My apartment building isn’t so much an apartment building as a house that’s been carved up into apartments. I live in a studio that takes up about 12-square-feet in the back. I think there’s 6 apartments all together, but its really hard to tell because people are always coming and going. There’s only two people who’s names I actually know.

The weird thing is, I guess this is totally normal. No one I know who lives in any kind of apartment complex has any idea who their neighbors are. Here I am, listening to the girl above me banging away at what I can only imagine is an Ark at all hours of the night, and this other apartment routinely produces 564 people dressed in – what I gather from the sound of their heels – The Club Uniform, every other night. But if the fuzz ever shows up asking questions, I won’t be able to tell them anything. This is becoming a distinct possibility since the parade of clubbers came home at 1 a.m. this evening talking about how some creepy waitress had followed them or something (!). These people all live under my same roof, are up to all sorts of shenanigans, and I have no idea who they are.

So not to get all philosophical on you on a Saturday night/Sunday morning, but should I better know my neighbors? Should I make an effort? Or is better that I not involve myself in their desires to join Ringling Bros. and/or the Lumberjack World Championships and to break all the city’s fire codes? I just don’t know anymore.

Also, I really need to get out of my apartment.


doorknob_dan said...

My serious thoughts on the matter:

We're not living in the Three's Company era any more. Never get to know your neighbors if possible.

Only twice did I ever know any of my neighbors (having lived in apartments for the last 15 years).

One neighbor way back when I was a teenager was an ex-biker and would come over and smoke all our pot and borrow all of me n' my roomate's coffee and sugar, sit around and get high and talk about the women he slept with. And he never wore a shirt - he looked like a pirate.

The other person was a mildy handicapped lady who asked my ex to feed her fish when she was gone for a couple days. Then she flipped out because my ex used too much food. She often told me "Y-you n-n-need to shave." And one time she asked me "D-d-do you and [gf's name] make s-s-sex?" (Parry: [laughing] "Does anal count?" Reply: [serious] "Y-yes." Counter: "No, then." Riposte: "I h-heard y-you." Retort: "Uh huh, cya.")

Avoid the neighbors. You never know how they'll make your life more uncomfortable.

Red said...

I love when Dan gets all serious, but Dan, isn't there a "u" in neighbours?

When I moved into my building, I met the girls who lived down the hall. Then the promptly moved out this month. I don't know why I bothered.

However, there are now 2 empty apartments in my building. If you moved in, you would know at least one of your neighbors, Liz :)

doorknob_dan said...


Liz said...

The guy at my convenient store already asks me borderline creepy questions about my relationship. You're right, I don't want my neighbors doing the same.

Sometimes you catch an old episode of Melrose Place on TV though and it all looks so exciting, you know?

(Kidding. Kind of).

The Guv'ner said...

I think you and I share neighbours, for real. What the FUCK do people do in their places? And can they stop it please? And how much is a hitman and would he give me a discount for multiple kills?

Red said...

"Melrose Place is a really good show."

Ginormous Boobs said...

Really, they are probably better left a mystery.

Liz said...

Good call Red, I always appreciate a Reality Bites reference.

Nooch said...

Is it worse then that time we had to listen to the person above you have sex?

I know a few of my neigbors, but not very well. They are all pretty quiet (cause they are old), except for the lady who lives above me. I am pretty sure she walks around in army boots at 2:00 am for no reason but to piss me off. I wish nothing but horrible things to that lady.

Liz said...

Oh yeah, the sex guy moved out.

Dave H said...

Have a stand for free ballons, candy and face painting at your apartment!

That will pretty much solve your neighbor problem. Maybe.

Falwless said...

hahahahaha Olympic tumbler!

Olympic tumbler!

HAHAHAH. Oh you slay me. For whatever reason that hit me in the right place: my funny zone.

This is why everyone should live in a place where homeownership is a feasible thing. I love not having neighbors sharing my floor and ceiling and walls.

I guess this comment was to help you in the following ways:
1. Laugh
2. Gloat

You're welcome.

Nooch said...

And so they replaced him with an olympian of some kind? Interesting.... What sort of application does one need to fill out to live in your house/apartment hybrid? I would be curious to get my hands on a copy, that way when I become a slum lord I know what to ask for.