Wednesday, April 30, 2008

State of the Gingers

Recently, some Canadian jackass (sorry Canada) stumbled upon GitW when they performed a Google search for "Gingers are retarded." This made me really sad for about 60 seconds and then I realized, people just need some schooling...

First, Gingers are not related to vampires. Despite our fair skin, we can journey out in daylight. I can even develop a lovely tan in the summer. I am, of course, very special and remarkable, but I'm sure some other Gingers have the ability to tan as well.

Second, Gingers have souls and have no desire to steal the souls of others (if people even have souls. I mean, that's really a whole religious/philosophical question I don't have time to discuss here). Also, we are no more evil than any other group of people. That freak in Austria wasn't a redhead, for example.

And, Gingers are not retarded. In fact, there has only ever been one retarded redhead...this guy.

Also, if two Gingers mate, their children will not be seriously deformed. I actually had to clarify this fact to a fellow Ginger (okay, so he is kinda retarded, too, but he's really hot, so he gets a pass).

Plus, Gingers are not all highly-sexed (cue the sound of millions of men dying a little on the inside).

Finally, Gingers do not have bad tempers. Well, not all of us do anyway. I mean, I definitely do. I'll yell at you if you disagree with me about who should win America's Next Top Model (Anya), but some Gingers are very well of them has to be.

So there you go. I hope you learned something (especially that Canadian ass clown). If you'd like further clarification on any Ginger myths you may have heard, I'd be happy to answer them in the comments.

Not all Gingers are as scary as this kid, I swear.


BeckEye said...

I can't believe you passed up the opportunity to Rickroll everyone in this post.

doorknob_dan said...

I can't believe my method of getting to this blog was finally discovered.

Bookmarking things is too much work.

pistols at dawn said...

What I like about this entire post is that you get all huffy about someone calling you retarded, to which you respond by (eventually) calling him an ass clown.

In the interest of 5th grade insults, I'd like to call Carrot Top a total lamewad.

And some of us love the Gingers, because translucence can be a good look for a lady...though it's tough to sleep next to.

Falwless said...

Everyone's thinking it but no one has the guts to ask:

Does the rug match the curtains?

Red said...

Becks: I am the worst Rickroller ever.

Danny: Very funny. This person was from Ottawa...which I assume is different from Winnipeg. I can't really be bothered to check.

Pistols: I'm nothing if not childish. And, what, you don't like skin so white it blinds you? Your loss.

Fal: Yes. Yes, it does.

Jon said...

My wife's family is full of gingers, so she's afraid to have children, just in case we ever want to go to the beach or something. True story.

I actually think most gingers are very sexy. Okay, some gingers. Fine, at least one that I know of.

Red said...

Jon: Tell your wife I spent many a happy day at the beach and I am fine. Well, my skin is fine. I'm completely nuts.

feathers said...

i thought you loved all Canadians by default, Red?

If I had a Million Dollars, I'd take you, Jason Priestly, Brian Wilson and Keanu Reeves (He can be MY Yoko Ono!) on a One Week vacation to lovely Canada. We could Get In Line for beer till 3AM cause really, Who Needs Sleep? It would be soo much fun that you would say Pinch Me!
We could stay in an Old Apartment, live off of apples and say These Apples are delicious! We'd send Another Postcard back home to tell them about the Spider in My Room and that I didn't mean to Break Your Heart.
After It's All Been Done, we will put our memories in a Shoebox and remember when we were Lover's in A Dangerous Time.

Ah, Canada!

Red said...

Feathers: You are awesome. And, you're right. I do love all Canadians by default. Expect for this a-hole who things Gingers are retarded.

doorknob_dan said...

For the record, Winnipeg IS different than Ottawa.

The two cities are separated by a river of lava in which demons and licks of flame reside.

On the banks of the river of lava, there are horned half-goat men with pitchforks that frolic and play pan flutes. They sing about beer and hockey and the railroad and thirst for human blood.

On the Ottawa side, our politicans reside in comfortable dwellings where they tuck their well fed children in at night and read the newspaper every morning to check their stocks in the lightweight composites market. During their days, they spend their time mulling over fiscal policy and wheat germ diseases, and enjoy their full and rich lives with their spouses whome they love immensely.

On the Winnipeg side, we spend our days going back and forth from Subway to our empty jobs at insurance firms and little cramped rectangular homes in dull gray neatly-arranged rows.

From time to time we on the Winnipeg side will go down and ponder our meaningless existence while throwing stones into the river of lava while the goatmen are napping and wish to God that someday, someday, we would be able to traverse the river of fire to join our enlightened countrymen on the other side who speak of intelligent things and are leading rich and rewarding lives.

But after a while of gazing across the river of fire, we realize that it's not meant to be, so we stop and pick up a slurpee then return to out boring homes and jobs and doldrum existence. Because Winnipeg is the Slurpee Capitol of the World. Most people don't know that.


That is the difference between Winnipeg and Ottawa. Well that and about 1400 miles which are full of forest and water and Ontarians - who, as you can see due to their disregard for redheads, are fucking retards.

Red said...

Wow. Thanks for clearing that up for us, Danno.