State of the Gingers

Recently, some Canadian jackass (sorry Canada) stumbled upon GitW when they performed a Google search for "Gingers are retarded." This made me really sad for about 60 seconds and then I realized, people just need some schooling...

First, Gingers are not related to vampires. Despite our fair skin, we can journey out in daylight. I can even develop a lovely tan in the summer. I am, of course, very special and remarkable, but I'm sure some other Gingers have the ability to tan as well.

Second, Gingers have souls and have no desire to steal the souls of others (if people even have souls. I mean, that's really a whole religious/philosophical question I don't have time to discuss here). Also, we are no more evil than any other group of people. That freak in Austria wasn't a redhead, for example.

And, Gingers are not retarded. In fact, there has only ever been one retarded redhead...this guy.

Also, if two Gingers mate, their children will not be seriously deformed. I actually had to clarify this fact to a fellow Ginger (okay, so he is kinda retarded, too, but he's really hot, so he gets a pass).

Plus, Gingers are not all highly-sexed (cue the sound of millions of men dying a little on the inside).

Finally, Gingers do not have bad tempers. Well, not all of us do anyway. I mean, I definitely do. I'll yell at you if you disagree with me about who should win America's Next Top Model (Anya), but some Gingers are very well tempered...probably...maybe...one of them has to be.

So there you go. I hope you learned something (especially that Canadian ass clown). If you'd like further clarification on any Ginger myths you may have heard, I'd be happy to answer them in the comments.

Not all Gingers are as scary as this kid, I swear.

If America Got It Right: Top 5

Apparently, American Idol has been doing market research in an effort to boost ratings (because being the #1 show for 6 years isn't enough). I think we saw the fruits of that research last night with more songs, no retarded filler and less Seacrest (*sniff*). 10 performances in 60 minutes seemed like a whirlwind and produced a mixed bag. Here's who should go home tonight:

David Archuleta - I'm convinced Little David's father has threatened the lives of the judges or something. Last night was awful and yet the judges praised him like he's the second coming of Clay Aiken. He ruined Sweet Caroline (one of the greatest songs ever) and gave another totally showchoir performance with America. Bad, bad, badbadbad. That's all I can say. Of course, I don't think he will be in the bottom 2 (I think Syesha will be there again, even if I finally really liked her this week...well, her vocals anyway). Also, I read Carly was gonna sing a stripped down Sweet Caroline with a piano and a cello. How awesome would that have been?

Jason Castro - Oh, my hippie friend. It seems you've given up. Your performances were boring and not very good. I hope your bags are packed, pumpkin. We will miss you.





The Best - David Cook, of course. His version of All I Need is You was terrific (a song, I admit, I'd never heard. I'm not all that familiar with The Jewish Elvis). I'm beginning to worry, though, if winning this thing will really be in David's favor (and it will definitely make it harder for me to meet him and let him fall in love with me...even if I have to compete with the bitches from UCLA).

Hot Tranny Mess - Brooke White. I loathe I'm a Believer because for 2 years straight I listened to the version from Shrek 4 times a day, 5 days a week (not by choice, mind you). The song gives me fits. Add Brooke's wonky movement whenever she sings something up tempo, and it was a big ol' mess for me.

Song I'd Sing This Week - You Don't Bring Me Flowers because it's so awesomely bad.

[EDIT:9:14am] - About the Paula frak up...um I honestly just thought it was Paula acting looney (as usual), but reading about it this morning, it does appear there is something funny going on. Is AI trying to manufacture a David/David finale? And if so, why? What's the world coming to if we can't even trust the authenticity of an overproduced "talent" show?!?

The Radiohead Covers Vol. 8

To promote his appearance as the mentor on American Idol this week, Neil Diamond dropped by to sing his version of Radiohead's Fake Plastic Trees:



He also asked me to imagine the world of Lionel Diamond, where the songs of Neil Diamond and Lionel Ritchie combine to give us such memorable hits as:

Hello Hello Again
Say You Say Me I Am I Said
Ballerina Girl You'll Be a Woman Soon
Red Red Wine All Night Long
Stuck On You Got To Me
Do It To Me Sweet Caroline
Endless Love On the Rocks
Sail On Solitary Man
I Got the Feelin' Dancing On the Ceiling
Song Sung Blue Just To Be Close To You
I'm a Believer Running With the Night
Cracklin' Rosie Three Times a Lady

I said "Sounds like a world I want to live in, Neil Diamond!" And then David Cook sang Sweet Caroline and the world was at peace.

The End

This (mostly) Just In...

(If you haven't noticed, this is the title I'm using for a semi-weekly link dump or link-o-rama or whatever the cool sports boys call it.)

Miley Cyrus is a Ho - Apparently, she's "so embarrassed" about the risque shot to the left, appearing in Vanity Fair. It is a bit suggestive for a 15 year-old, but I mean, she looks 20, so whatever. She's just bein' Miley.

Coldplay is Giving it up for Free - The new Coldplay single is out and available for free download. It sounds almost exactly like all their other stuff.

Florida finally does something not completely retarded - There is a bill in the Florida Senate to ban fake testicles on truck hitches. Sure, there are other, more important issues facing out nation to day, but I can't think of any at the moment.

It's Free Cone Day! - Stop by your local Ben & Jerry's to receive a free ice cream cone. If you don't have a local Ben & Jerry's, move to a real city, damn it.

I spent thousands in taxes and all I got was this lousy check - The Economic Stimulus Checks are on their way (Dave asked me the other day when they were coming. He said "I need to be stimulated." Men). I plan on putting mine in my 30th Birthday Party Fund (and thereby completely ignoring the actual purpose of the check for several months). What are you gonna do with yours?

Happy National Cubical Day!

In honor of National Cubical Day (I love these made-up internet holidays), here are my favorite fake offices:
1. Initech: Office Space - Hands down, the greatest movie ever made about the corporate workplace. Before Ron Livingston was the douchebag who broke up with Carrie Bradshaw on a post-it, he was Peter Gibbons, corporate renegade, who made us all want to kill the effing fax machine, kick down the wall of our cubical and steal millions of dollars from The Man. Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.

2. Dunder Mifflin: The Office - I would probably shoot myself if I had to work for Michael Scott and with Dwight, Andy and Angela, but I imagine goofing off with Jim would make all the pain worthwhile.

3. Consolidated: 9 to 5 - Another horrible boss, but at least there are cool ladies to hang out with. I would totally be the Lily Tomlin character because I have, on more than one occasion, thought of poisoning someone...uh, I mean because I am so smart and hard working. Right.

4. 30 Rockefeller Plaza: 30 Rock - Imagine working at 30 Rock. You could help Tracy develop his insane schemes, Jenna improve her low self-esteem, Jack with the MILF Island spin-off and keep Liz from losing her mind. Good times, good times.

5. Sterling Cooper: Mad Men - There are several reasons to love Sterling Cooper: 1) The clothes are amazing. Part of me wishes I had to wear skirts and heals everyday, 2) The men are gorgeous...and under 50, which would be a nice change from my current office, and 3) The NYC location. Would there have been a cooler place to be in the 60's?

Honorable Mentions - World Wide Wicket Company: How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying and The Office of E. Edward Grey: Secretary.

I say we all use National Cubical day as an excuse to go to Happy Hour on a Monday. Who's with me?

See This: Young@Heart

When Joe Strummer sang, “Darling, you’ve got to let me know / should I stay or should I go?” with the Clash, it was just another young punk confused in love. When 92-year-old Eileen Hall sings it, it becomes an elderly woman asking God a serious question, albeit in a light-hearted way.

This is what Young @ Heart is all about. It’s a documentary about a chorus of old people (the youngest member is about 73) from North Hampton, Mass. who’ve traveled the world singing rock ‘n roll songs. For the most part, the songs are chosen because they’re not only crowd pleasers, but because they take on a whole new meaning when sung by older people. “I Wanna be Sedated,” “I Feel Good,” “Fix You” – grousing about boredom or celebrating the love of life never sounded so poignant. And that’s why you should try to see it.

I had some time to kill Saturday afternoon so I saw this movie by myself. On average, I was the youngest person by 40 years. (I could tell the old couple sitting in front of me hadn’t been the movies in a while because after a commercial came on for some Dan Rather HD news show, the old man whispered/yelled to his wife, “Oh, so that’s not a movie?”)

It was a great audience to see it with, because I could tell the old folks were really relating to the people on screen. Its very, very rare that we see the elderly on film as anything but clowns or cautionary tails, so it was cool to see a group of older people depicted as they really are: they all had great senses of humor, a lot of them had some serious health problems that they dealt with stoically, and most of them didn’t know Sonic Youth from Bruce Springsteen, but they sang the songs anyway, with great gusto. Most of them joined the chorus to stay social and active, and as the film gets into the personal lives of a few members, you can see how its helped them through the aging process.

The only real complaint I had about Young @ Heart was, oddly, the filmmakers themselves. It was made by some British guy who sounds like he’s narrating a National Geographic special, and there are way too many extreme close-ups. Young @ Heart is at its best when it’s just showing the choir practicing and the camaraderie between its members. The movie really kicks into gear when you start to see some of their actual concerts (including one at a local prison).

Maybe it’s not worth running out to the theatre for, but if you get a chance, definitely check out Young @ Heart. It’s especially great for music lovers. You’ll never think of some of your favorite songs the same way.

This (mostly) Just In...

Some stuff you probably already know and/or don't even care about:

Wesley Snipes will Spend 3 years in Jail for Tax Evasion - This might be disappointing if Wesley had made a good movie since White Men Can't Jump, but alas, he has not.

Megan Fox Named the Sexiest Woman in the World - I would argue the sexiness of Shia LaBeouf rubbed off on Megan when they made Transformers and made her appear sexier than she really is. ..because he is super sexy. Also, I'd take Scar Jo over this chick any day.

Jimmy Fallon will Host Late Night when Conan O'Brien takes over for Leno - I know most people hate Jimmy Fallon for Fever Pitch, but I'm kinda excited about this. And it will be nice when Leno is just a distant bad memory.

Tom Cruise is Returning to Oprah - In celebration of the 25th anniversary of Risky Business (which makes me feel old), Oprah will spend two days with the Scientologist. Couch jumping is a given.

Amy Winehouse Arrested for Assault - Can this women get anymore tragic? Talk about a hot tranny mess.

See how he's transferring the sexiness here? See?

Classic Muppets YouTube

Happy Friday, and please enjoy one of the great Muppet performances of all time:

The Radiohead Covers Vol. 7

It's Thursday people! Time for Kermit the Frog's rendition of Radiohead's I Will:



(this is so spot on, it kinda freaks me out).

And click below to see Kermit sing NIN's Hurt:



Who knew a frog could make you teary? (actually, I did because Rainbow Connection always chokes me up.) Speaking of Rainbow Connection, check out Garney's myspace tomorrow for covers of Rainbow Connection by some of your favorite artists.

Next week, Neil Diamond stops by with an extra special Radiohead Cover. I can hardly contain my excitement!

Until then...

Add This to Your Queue

Last night, I watched Lars and the Real Girl. I was a bit wary, as it's basically a movie about a guy who buys an anatomically correct doll and carts her around his small town as a real person, but really it's about loneliness, community and love.

Lars is a lonely guy who lives in his brother's garage. His sister-in-law works her ass off to make Lars comfortable and welcome, but he really just prefers isolation. When he receives his "girlfriend" Bianca, he feels more comfortable in the community. Of course, the community thinks he is freaking insane (uh, because he is), but they embrace Lars and Bianca in truly remarkable ways.

Ryan Gosling plays Lars as a wonderful man-child trying to work through his issues. You so sympathize with his character, you forget he's romancing a doll (Gosling was totally robbed of an Oscar nomination). The supporting cast is also wonderful and warm (I want to move to that small town...or I would if it didn't, you know, snow there). I absolutely loved it and I think you will, too.

American Idol: The Aftermath

"Eh" is about all I can muster for last night's show. It was really boring and Carly going home before Brooke or Syesha was retarded, but at least they cut the stupid call-in portion, right?

If America Got it Right: Top 6

I was geeking out all week for Andrew Lloyd Webber night on Idol (I listened to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat on my way home from work yesterday). My best friend Annie joined me for the show (she was an American Idol virgin) and we relived our childhood as musical theater nerds. Here's who Annie and I think should be in the bottom 3 tonight:

Jason Castro - I love the kid, but he was totally out of his element this week. God bless him for singing Memory (even if there are about a dozen other songs that would have worked better) and not knowing it was sung by a cat, considering is from a musical called Cats, but whatever. Jason will have another scare, but will, ultimately, be okay.



Syesha Mercado - Her vocal was again pretty pitchy and, while she may have been in her element, it's getting down to the wire and she deserves a spot in the bottom 3.





Brooke White - First, she picked a song basically written for Madonna (a notorious non-singer). Second, she sounded even worse than Madonna (I didn't think it was possible either). I think it's time for the chatty nanny finally to pack her knives and go (sorry. wrong show).




The Best - David Archuleta. This kid is killing me. I don't really like him, but he really is very talented. His version of Think of Me could totally be a boy band hit...well, in Europe anyway.

I liked Carly Smithson and David Cook, too. Cooksie finally did a straight up cover and it was lovely. Annie totally got my obsession.

Song I'd Sing This Week - This is tough. I'm thinking either Wishing You Were Some How Here Again from Phantom (an acoustic-y version) or Could We Start Again Please from Jesus Christ Superstar.

You?

Further Proof the World is F@#ked: Vol 2

A plastic surgeon in Florida wrote a picture book for children to help them understand the effects of plastic surgery. It's called My Beautiful Mommy and it's meant to explain to the little cherubs why mommy went from this to this. Now, I understand there is a large market for a book like this (considering Americans spent over $13 billion dollars on cosmetic procedures last year) and maybe it's not even such a bad idea in theory (I mean, women are gonna have plastic surgery. Might as well explain things to the kiddies), but the message here seems to be, "Mommy is more beautiful now that she had the belly she carried you in for 9 months removed. You will be beautiful, too, when you are old enough to fix your nose and slim down those thighs." In a culture where boob jobs have become the sweet sixteen gift and men expect to bag Heidi Klum, how's a "normal" person to ever survive and procreate?

Who is Your Blogger Crush?

I wavered about posting this for several reasons:

• It's kinda retarded.
• It basically alienates half our readers.
• Did I mention it's retarded?

But then I thought, "Everyone already thinks I'm crazy, so who really cares?" and "I alienate 90% of our readers anytime I write about Battlestar Gallactica, and this one is for the people who actually comment, and screw all those non-commenting readers!" (just kidding, non-commenting readers. I love you. Thanks for reading. Leave a comment.)

So here goes. I have, in my life, developed more crushes on writers than any other group of people (way more than people I actually, you know, meet in person). I've had crushes on Dalton Ross of EW and Anthony Bourdain and even Kurt Vonnegut (and he's one funny looking old dude, God rest him). Since the inception of GitW, I've developed crushes on members of the Blogger "community." There was my well publicized e-love for doornob_dan (which ended when I found out he hates The Beatles), my girl crush on Falwless, and now, my crush on Hick Flick from the sports blog Rumors and Rants. I love Hick Flick for several reasons:

1. His avatar is the cover of the seminal Huey Lewis & The News album, Sports, with his head photoshopped on Huey Lewis' body.

2. He's lives in the Midwest and is a Cubs fan. I've had a crush on every Cubs fan I've ever met (which is like 2 people).

3. He thought Lohan was hotter as a redhead.

4. He writes really funny posts where he references The Big Lebowski, John Krasinski and Bruce Springsteen. Obviously, we are made for each other.

So there you go. Who is your Blogger crush?

At the Movies: Forgetting Sarah Marshall

What do you get when you put a bunch of my favorite TV actors in a movie and send them to Hawaii? Hilarity, that's what. As I'm sure you've learned from the previews, Forgetting Sarah Marshall stars Jason Segel (aka Marshall from HIMYM or, as I like to remember him, Nick Andopolis from Freaks and Geeks) as Peter, a composer, who's girlfriend (Kristen Bell fka Veronica Mars) dumps him for a hot (and hilarious) British front man...while he's naked. Like, really naked. Peter is horribly upset and decides to take a vacation in Hawaii...where he runs into the ex and her new man. He also meets the lovely Rachel (Mila Kunis fka Jackie from That 70's Show) and the love story unfolds from there.

The movie is really funny (more Knocked Up than Superbad...which I prefer). I laughed out loud through most of it, especially the moments when Peter showcases work from his Dracula musical as performed with puppets (it's like Avenue Q meets, well, Dracula). Paul Rudd, Jonah Hill, Bill Hader (the funny one on SNL) and Jack McBrayer (Kenneth from 30 Rock) are all hilarious in supporting roles (is there anything Paul Rudd is not funny in? (I mean lately. His early work not included)). I think people looking for the gross out factor of most of the Judd Apatow produced works may be a little disappointed (although, the repeated shots of Segel's penis are pretty, well, not gross, but shocking to say the least), but I found the movie really funny and even charming. And Segel has totally joined my list of celebrity crushes (as if the list wasn't long enough). If you have any interest at all in seeing Forgetting Sarah Marshall, do it. You'll laugh. I guarantee it*.

* Here's where I'm supposed to say "guarantees will not be honored in any way," but if you see this movie and don't laugh even once, I will send you something...and write you off as a soulless robot who can't laugh.

It's National Library Week!

In news that may have been helpful/interesting 4 days ago, it's National Library Week. No one really goes to the library anymore (because we can afford to buy books rather than check them out), but maybe we should.

Last night, my friend Annie and I went to the bar (I realize this is the second night in a row I've been to the bar, but it's baseball season and, while I could watch the game on my couch, if I go out, the odds of me becoming the Scary Cat Lady in 5 years drops from 95% to 89% (even though, as I told Annie last night, I hate making conversation with random guys. Most of them are so stupid and boring. Annie said I have issues. I can't say she's wrong), but this post is not about my drinking problem. It's about Libraries!). Anyway, the fellas next to us were talking about geography (see. boring). For some reason, one of the guys recited the geography of Asia for his mates. "You've got China which borders India and that borders Japan." (see. stupid) I dare say, he needs to get to the library and check out an Atlas.

Then there was the lovely, curvy lady at Starbucks this morning who thought white velvet stretch pants were a good idea. She could obviously benefit from Tim Gunn's Guide to Quality, Taste & Style (seriously, ladies, this book changed my life...or my closet anyway).

And then there's me. I supposed I should pick up How to Win Friends and Influence People, or some such thing, and try and get over my disdain for people in general and stupid men in particular. I mean, at some point, I may have to marry one.

So, support your local library because the kids need a place to make out in the future. Thank you and good day.

The Radiohead Covers Vol. 6

Continuing with our Thursday ritual, here's Sammy Davis Jr. singing Radiohead's Myxomatosis:



Garney posted a poll over at myspace (even though we are all too old for myspace) where you can vote for the next cover. Head on over and let your voice be heard!

And finally, as if that's not enough, enjoy the real Sammy Davis Jr. singing One for My Baby (And One More for the Road) while impersonating all his famous friends:



If only people were still so cool.

American Idol: The Aftermath

I sped through the recap show because Liz and I went to the bar last night to watch the Padres suck (and because the recap shows are incredibly boring), but I still have a few questions for you:

Did everyone see how David Cook looked right at me when he said he was single?!? He totally wants me.

What's up with Elliot Yamin and the prayer shawl? Or was it just a scarf (in 70 degree So Cal weather)?

Was Mariah Carey singing to a track when she went full voice at the end of her song? Why did she sound so horrible? And is Trey Lorenz still singing backup for her?

Does Speed Racer look like the coolest movie ever or what?

Am I alone in thinking Seacrest has a huge crush on Kristy Lee Cook? He seemed super sad to see her go. Maybe they were having an American Dreamz-esque love affair?

Anyway, the reign of terror is over. Kristy Lee is headed back to the farm. I'm bummed it wasn't Syesha, but there's always Andrew Lloyd Webber week (something I am more excited about than I really even want to admit).

Until then...

Add This to Your Queue

I liked Juno. You liked Juno. We all liked Juno, okay, but I had some issues with it...mostly I felt it was thisclose to being too clever for it's own good. Last night, I watched Rocket Science which was everything I wanted from Juno...funny and quirky, but still wholly believable and "real."

Rocket Science (written and directed by Jeffery Blitz, who also made the terrific documentary Spellbound) is about a young high school kid named Hal Heffner who is dealing with a stutter and a crap home life. Hal joins the high school debate team at the behest of the adorable and fast talking Ginny, the Queen of Debate. Hal promptly falls in love with Ginny and their partnership seems like a perfect situation, if only he could "find his voice." Finally, with some help from Master Debater Ben Wekselbaum (played by Nicolas D'Agosto, aka West, Claire's adorable flying boyfriend on Heroes), Hal grows up and conquers his fears. Typical coming of age stuff, but, like, really well done.

Upon further refection, Rocket Science reminds me more of The Squid and the Whale or Rushmore than Juno in it's ability to balance the humorous and the tragic. Check it out and decide for yourself.

If America Got it Right: Top 7

Okay. I've been in a crap mood for what seems like forever (and then someone, who shall remain nameless, said my Happy Tax Day post from earlier today was a bit C-U-Next-Tuesday-ish. Jerk face), but then David Cook sang my all time favorite Mariah Carey song and I am giddy (I really am such a simple girl).

Mariah Carey night was awesome for the guys...not so much for the ladies (does anyone else think Mariah was totally Low Self-Esteem Girl in high school? I think that's why I find her so endearing). Here's who should be in the bottom 3 tonight:

Brooke White - Her version of Hero was really pitchy and she totally effed up the piano accompaniment. I think she'll be okay, though, for fully admitting she was out of her element.





Kristy Lee Cook - I thought she sounded really good (it was her best week for me, dawg), but she's still out of her league here.






Syesha Mercado - Her vocal was pitchy and she's still really unlikable. Thank God she didn't talk much this week, but I feel even Mariah doesn't really like her. Hopefully, this is her week to be sent home. Finally.



I wouldn't be surprised to see Carly Smithson in the bottom 3 (and maybe even go home because people really seem to dislike her...which I seriously don't get), but she doesn't deserve to be in the bottom 3.

The Best - Vocally, David Archuleta. I don't really like the style of music he sings, but the boy is incredibly talented. My favorite, though, was David Cook (he really needs a nickname. Maybe "Dream Lover" as an homage to Mariah and his frequent appearance in my dreams? Too crazy?) .

Song I'd Sing This Week - Honestly, I thought about this all week (yes, my life is that sad) and I was gonna say Always Be My Baby, but then David Cook sang his awesome version and I wouldn't want to take that away, so I'll say We Belong Together.

Comment away, Idol lovers (and if you have a potential nickname for David Cook, I'd love to hear it).

Happy Tax Day!

I hope you don't "have to" pay Uncle Sam a dime. However, if you do, you must make more than I do, so I don't really feel bad for you anyway.

"Pay your taxes so I can afford an iphone!"

What's Your Favorite TV Spin-off?

NBC is planning a spin-off for The Office. I'm usually wary of spin-offs, but anything with the creative team behind The Office has to be good, right? Rumor has it, the show will focus on another Dunder-Mifflin branch. Will the paper business ever cease to provide hilarious situations? I think not, friends.

This got me thinking. What are your favorite spin-offs? My all time favorite is a BBC show called Ashes to Ashes, but since it has yet to air in America, here are my top 5 favorite spin-offs people have actually heard of:

1. The Simpsons (spun-off from The Tracey Ullman Show) - Pretty much the greatest and most successful spin-off ever.

2. Project Runway (from Project Greenlight) - Obviously Top Chef fits here, too.

3. Melrose Place (from Beverly Hills, 90210) - I only liked this when it got good and effing crazy. Like when Kimberly died and came back. Good stuff.

4. Saved by the Bell (from Good Morning, Miss Bliss) - Do you remember Good Morning, Miss Bliss? What a piece of crap.

5. A Pup Named Scooby Doo (from Scooby Doo, Where Are You?) - What? Don't judge.

Your turn...

Saturday Night (cabin) Fever

Due to a lack of financial resources (which was in turn due to an excessive consumption of alcohol the previous weekend) I had a relaxing evening at home this Saturday, and it taught me a few things about my neighbors. Most importantly:

1) The girl who lives above me appears to be some sort of carpenter/Olympic tumbler

and

2) Approximately 47 people live in the apartment diagonally above me, and they’re all into clubbing.

My apartment building isn’t so much an apartment building as a house that’s been carved up into apartments. I live in a studio that takes up about 12-square-feet in the back. I think there’s 6 apartments all together, but its really hard to tell because people are always coming and going. There’s only two people who’s names I actually know.

The weird thing is, I guess this is totally normal. No one I know who lives in any kind of apartment complex has any idea who their neighbors are. Here I am, listening to the girl above me banging away at what I can only imagine is an Ark at all hours of the night, and this other apartment routinely produces 564 people dressed in – what I gather from the sound of their heels – The Club Uniform, every other night. But if the fuzz ever shows up asking questions, I won’t be able to tell them anything. This is becoming a distinct possibility since the parade of clubbers came home at 1 a.m. this evening talking about how some creepy waitress had followed them or something (!). These people all live under my same roof, are up to all sorts of shenanigans, and I have no idea who they are.

So not to get all philosophical on you on a Saturday night/Sunday morning, but should I better know my neighbors? Should I make an effort? Or is better that I not involve myself in their desires to join Ringling Bros. and/or the Lumberjack World Championships and to break all the city’s fire codes? I just don’t know anymore.

Also, I really need to get out of my apartment.

American Idol: The Aftermath

It happens every year...an Idol contestant is sent home way before their time. I think Michael Johns suffered from "I Assume He's Safe so I'll Vote for Someone Really Crappy" syndrome and seeing him go was really shocking and totally sad. He wasn't my favorite, but I enjoyed watching him sing each week. He was different and gorgeous and he will be sorely missed. I can't believe he left before Syesha and Kristy Lee. Just, unbelievable (I mean, seriously. Who is voting for Syesha? Can anyone explain this to me?) And Seacrest is an asshole for the way he handled Michael's ouster. Seacrest, you're on notice!

To further my pain, my DVR fracked up and didn't record 30 Rock or The Office last night (I was actually more pissed about that then Michael Johns leaving). Things may or may not have been thrown around my apartment. I may or may not have immediately gone online and ordered an HD TiVo (okay. I didn't, but I seriously considered it). Thank God it's Friday. I am so over this week.

The Radiohead Covers Vol. 5

And now, by popular demand (aka the most votes on Garney's Myspace blog), here is David Bowie and his rendition of Radiohead's Subterranean Homesick Alien or, as he calls it, Subterranean Homesick Ziggy Stardust:



Next week, Sammy Davis Jr. returns from the grave to sing Myxomatosis.

Until then, Radiohead lovers.

Who wears weird shorts?

A couple years ago I bought a pair of cowboy boots online from Urban Outfitters (and yes, I do appreciate the irony of buying cowboy boots from a place with “urban” right there in its name, don't you worry) and ever since, I’ve been getting emails from them telling me about their clothes. By now I’ve gotten used to all kinds of batshit crazy concoctions they’ve tried to push, from vests that might be dresses, to tablecloths that might be shirts, but I think today’s addition might beat them all:

The hell?

Listen, I am the first person to admit I have no sense of fashion. If I could wear jeans and a t-shirt and sneakers to everything without getting fired or yelled at by my Mom, I would. But this can’t be cool right now! Or ever!! Can it? Sweet fancy Moses, please tell me it can’t. Nor can this:

If these romper suits are totally hip and hot right now and you just went out yesterday and bought yourself five, one of which you’re wearing RIGHT NOW, I apologize. I meant no offense. Actually, you know what? I kind of did. Return them immediately. And don’t you dare exchange them for this, because I totally already have it.

Wherein I Prove John Krasinski and I are Made for Each Other

NBC’s Comedy Night Done Right (a title I feel the need to use as much as possible because it’s so awesomely bad) finally returns tonight with all new episodes. It’s been way too long since we all hung out with Liz Lemon and Michael Scott (unfortunately, we were reunited with Earl last week. He does not look good, friends. He needs to have some work done). Of course, I’m most excited to see Jim Halpert again…mainly because John Krasinski and I are destined to become lovers. Observe:

John Krasinski	Red
Born Oct. 20, 1979	Born November 30, 1978 (see the similarity there? No? Okay, fine. Me neither.)
Has a B.A. in English Literature from Brown University	Has a B.A. in English Literature from a school almost as good as Brown…or a school once named the #2 Party School in America. I forget which.
Thought about becoming a high school English teacher, but became an actor instead.	Thought about becoming a high school English teacher, but became an evil Warmonger instead.
Works in a pretend office for a living and dates the cute receptionist.	Works in a real office for a living and never sees members of the opposite sex under 55.
Sometimes gets to make movies with George Clooney.	Sometimes gets to watch movies starring George Clooney.
Writes adorably funny things like this where he imagines his life as an English teacher: “I go by Mr. K. I'm teaching English at a prep school in rural Connecticut. In my class, homework is not homework, it's preparation for the next day. I love teaching books that have been pigeonholed as 'epics,' and my big thing is discovering for yourself why you like them. I'd have a lot of stuff written in some cryptic way on the whiteboard where you can't understand it until we start talking about the book. I'd throw desk supplies off bridges... I've gone out on several dates with the bio teacher. Her name is Sarah, and she's just a really great girl. I'm more gregarious than she is; she brings me into the underground indie-world stuff and I bring her sonnets. It's weird because the kids are talking about this new show called The Office and they're like, ‘You guys are so much like Pam and Jim!’ and I'm like, ‘I don't have a TV. Sorry, I'm not into pop culture stuff.’” Posted on ew.com	Imagines writing adorably funny things and sometimes writes them down, but mostly forgets them and pumps out inane bullshit instead.

I think I totally proved my case here.

If I told you I'll try to be less boy crazy next week, would you really even believe me?

If America Got it Right: Top 8

First, I had another David Cook dream. This time he was singing Trouble by Pink on a very Moulin Rouge/Bollywood-esque set...and it was AMAZING! He was shirtless and had the body of Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. I am officially losing my mind.

Second, I downloaded Carly's version of Here You Come Again and have been listening to it non-stop all week. Losing my mind and a complete dork.

Okay, on to the task at hand. Looks like preparing for Idol Gives Back screwed with the kids this week. It was not a stellar night. The show, with arguably the best possible song selection, was pretty much the worst of the season. Here's who should be in the bottom 3 this week:

Brooke White - Before the final commercial break, Ryan said they'd be back with Brooke singing Carly Simon. I said aloud to no one, "Shocker." Her performance was boring. And she cried. Again. I grow tired of her.



Carly Smithson - Wrong song. Period. I mean, really? The Show Must Go On is the most inspirational song she can think of? With her big ol' voice? Lame. I am very disappointed.




Syesha Mercado - Her vocal was pitchy and everyone knows, unless you are Michael Johns, arguing with the judges is the surest way to get sent home. It's time for my all time least favorite Idol (based on personality) to leave. She admitted herself no one "gets" her. Let's end her nightmare (okay, fine. MY nightmare).


On Notice - Kristy Lee Cook was her crappy self this week, but she did look good and it was her best performance ever. I think someone else will be in "Kristy's Seat" Thursday night.

The Best - Jason Castro. I love that version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow and he sounded really terrific.

I'm also a huge fan of Robbie William's version of Angels (NOT a fan of the Jessica Simpson version. Everything she sings makes me want to poke myself in the eye with a sharp object), but the judges were a bit much with their praise for David Archuleta. He was pretty good, but he's no Robbie Williams.

The Hot Tranny Mess - This kills me, but I hated David Cook. Hated it. He sounded okay, but I hated the song. And the fact that Our Lady of Peace is his favorite group might just be a deal breaker. Somehow, I will find it in my heart to forgive him...especially if he visits me in my dreams to make it up to me *wink, wink*

(sorry mom)

Song I'd Sing This Week - Just Wait by Blues Traveler. You?

Are we all super excited about Idol Gives Back? I read a recap and it sounds like it should be entertaining. I mean, c'mon. It's not like you have anything better to do...

Project Runaway

Project Runway is moving to Lifetime. I know this is incredibly lame to even care about, but I find this really troubling. I don't watch Lifetime. I kinda refuse to watch it on principle (much like I've never crossed the threshold of a Hooters...and I never will). What am I gonna do when one of my Top 5 favorite shows moves to the network for women and loses 5 hundred million cool points (in my heart, anyway)? This is truly, truly disturbing...

At the Movies: Stop Loss

Saturday night, Liz and I went to see Stop Loss, the new movie from Boys Don't Cry director Kimberly Pierce. We went in with expectations of a film about soldiers, returning home from the Iraq war and expecting to get out of the Army, who are required to serve beyond their service term and return to Iraq (and, I'm not gonna lie, we imagined copious shots of a shirtless Ryan Philippe). Instead, we got 30 minutes of a decent, engaging film, and an hour plus of plot problems, melodrama and predictability (and only one (ONE!) scene with a half naked Ryan. Oh the humanity!) I was disappointed in Stop Loss. It had the opportunity to say something interesting about a topic few people understand or even realize occurs, and failed. There. I just saved you 12 bucks. You're welcome.

It's a good thing you're pretty, son.

Way to be a buzzkill, DNA

I have an admittedly odd and nonsensical fascination with Russian history. (Did you know that Ivan the Terrible's name was incorrectly translated and that Russians actually called him Ivan the Dread? I SHOULDN’T KNOW THIS!!!) So naturally I’m crazy into the whole Anastasia mystery.

For those of you who don’t independently seek historical information on a country to which you have no ties whatsoever and which was considered America’s nemesis for the better part of a century, here’s what went down: In 1918 a bunch of mean old Bolsheviks shot the entire royal family of Russia for the victimless crime of living in opulence while millions of Russian peasants were starving and dying and stuff. There were always rumors, however, that one of the daughters, Anastasia, somehow managed to get away. A few women came forward years later claiming to be Anastasia, with one in particular giving some rather convincing evidence. For decades it’s been a fascinating mystery that’s inspired all kinds of books, movies and 3 a.m. NOVA specials that I may or may not have watched when I couldn’t sleep one night in high school. (Odd and nonsensical. We’re admitting this.)

But now here comes big bad DNA to ruin everyone’s fun and prove that some old bones found near the Romanovs’ execution site are in fact those of Anastasia. Looks like she got herself shot and killed just like the rest of them. Bor-ing!

Being that it’s Friday, I will hereby cease and desist with the history and science and glimpses into how incredibly cool I was in high school. Instead, I will wish you a weekend full of mystery and adventure and devoid of any DNA evidence whatsoever. Do svidaniya!

The Radiohead Covers Vol. 4

And now, Gingers Is The Watchword proudly presents Cher, and her rendition of Radiohead's There, There:



For those of you who aren't familiar, here's the original:



Thom York's got nothin' on Cher.

P.S. Eddie Vedder promises to come by soon. Just for Beckeye. He was feeling a bit under the weather this week. That and Cher got more votes. Who woulda thunk?

(Still) Hangin' Tough

Look who's back! It's the New Kids on the Block, everyone's (read: my) favorite boy band from 1989! Apparently they're going to tour this summer or something. No word if they're heading into the recording studio. Kinda hope they don't.

Let's see how things have progressed over the last 20 years ....

OK - looks like Jonathan Knight hasn't aged at all, Jordan Knight has been replaced by his Madame Tussauds body double and .... yup, Danny Wood is still the ugly one. Fantastic. Welcome back, kids!

American Idol: The Aftermath

Thanks to all of you for your support about The Guttenberg (except for The Guv'ner and Pistols at Dawn. I get the feeling you two don't care at all). Each day is a little easier, and with your support and love, I know I'll make it through.

That said, let's move on to Idol. I'm so very glad I overestimated the voting power of Ramiele's fan base (and I guess some people do like Syesha. Who knew?). Ramiele has finally gone to a place for little people with pouty faces and big voices. I actually liked her, but she was seriously in over her head in this, the best season of American Idol EVER!!!

Other than that bombshell, the show was rather boring. Dolly sang about Jesus and gravity (and blabbered on like an old crazy woman. Oh, how I love her), some crappy county band, who won some lame TV competition, sang This Little Light of Mine (I guess. I fast forwarded through their performance), and Seacrest made us cry for the sad orphan girls in Africa (can I just say, I love Seacrest. I spent the early part of my blogging career making fun of him (in a very 8 year-old who teases the guy they like kinda way), but really, I love him. Sometimes the truth is painful) .

The only thing I really cared about (obvs) was David Cook. Apparently, he is messy and has high blood pressure. Will the dreaminess never end? (confession time: I had a dream about David Cook the other night. You know what kind of dream I'm talking about. Let's just say, there was a lot of making out involved. My best friend says this is a sure sign I need to get some. I say it's a sure sign I'm psychic!)

Until next week.

What's the Point Anymore?

The Guttenberg was voted off DWTS last night. I need a day, people. Please. Just give me a day.

All the ridiculous pictures in the world can't fill the Guttenberg shaped hole in my heart...

If America Got it Right: Top 9

Dear Dolly,

You used to be so lovely. Why do you (and Priscilla Presley) insist on botoxing yourself beyond recognition? It's very sad. I still love you though. You are amazing (even if Dollywood is the lamest theme park I've ever been to).

Yours,

Red

With that out of the way, David Cook got a haircut!!! It was the final step in my everlasting devotion to him. AND he gave props to the arrangers of the songs he sang in the past weeks (happy now, Heather?). He is amazing. And Michael Kors is in the audience. Could this night be any better?

Anyway, on to the losers:

Ramiele Malubay - Okay, little one. Time for you to go. I still fear her Asian stronghold will keep her around for another week, but she has become, by far, the weakest contestant in the competition.




Kristy Lee Cook - I'd actually be surprised if Kristy Lee is in the bottom 3, but she should be. For being incredibly boring if nothing else.





Syesha Mercado - I Will Always Love You? Really? What the hell was she thinking? It wasn't that it was bad, but it was predictable and no one will ever sing it as well as Whitney and shouldn't really try. Add that to her unlikeablity (I don't think she could be less likable if she murdered a puppy on stage while singing a Hitler youth anthem), and I think she's headed home this week.


The Best - Carly Smithson (with the song I picked to sing last week) and David Archuleta were, vocally, the best singers all night (this is still a singing competition, right?). However, Michael Johns wins for being so damn sexy. No hot messes this week.

Song I'd Sing This Week - Because I am a moron, I picked the Dolly song I'd sing this week for last week (because it came out the year I was born), so my second choice would be Islands in the Stream. You?

15 Sexiest Male Musicians

Much like the chain letters of yesteryear, bloggers have memes (which actually has a whole psychological explanation behind it. Geez. I kinda hate when Wikipedia gives me way more information that I wanted/expected). Beckeye tagged me with this one. Here are my top 15 Sexiest Male Musicians of all time:

15. Chris Carrabba - The 15 year-old girl in me loves this lead singer for Dashboard Confessional. I love screaming his songs in my car and gazing at him in all his emo glory. The tats are totally hot, too.

14. Chris Martin - He's hot, smart and makes fun of himself. What's not to like? I really fell in lust with him when he appeared on Extras and sang Fix You with Ricky Gervais. Hilarious.

13. Justin Timberlake - I especially like JT when he dances. The fella's got moves! He can rock my body anytime.

12. Robbie Williams - We all know I love the Brits and Robbie may be my favorite Brit of all. I realize I am one of 5 Americans who listen to his music, but guess what? I don't care. I think it's his bad boy persona that so draws me in.

11. Bono - He's trying to save the world and, really, what's sexier than that? I do wish he'd not wear wonky sunglasses so often, but what can you do?

10. Jon Bon Jovi - King of the 80's hair band, JBJ looks even better with age...and with a haircut.

9. Damien Rice - The cutest Irishman maybe ever? Is that saying too much?

8. George Harrison - My mom was a Paul gal and while growing up, I had to agree (he did age the best). However, after I saw A Hard Days Night, I fell madly in love with George. Yowza! What a fox!

7. Matt Mackey - I know Matt personally. He's not famous (yet?), but he is a musician and he is smokin' hot.

6. Dave Grohl - Think what would have happened if Kurt Cobain never died. Would we still know the full genius of Dave Grohl? Maybe not. What's the greater travesty?

5. Bob Dylan - Sure, now Bob is a scary old man, but he was super hot as a young man. And he spawned Jacob Dylan. Nothin' wrong with that.

4. Jim Morrison - Probably the sexiest male musician ever. The man just exudes sex.

3. Eddie Vedder - Sure he's a little bit crazy, but he fought the good Ticket Master fight back in the day and I love a man who stands up for his principles. Another fella who's aging so very well.

2. Ben Folds - Ben seems like a complete nerd and I love nerds! His music makes him super sexy.

1. Bruce Springsteen - Old and young, no one can touch The Boss. I mean, who else can sell millions of albums with his ass?

Geez. That took me forever. Post your picks in the comments section...